Tag Archives: stepmother

“Stepmoms, You Knew What You Were Getting Into…”

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“You knew what you were getting into when you married him.”

When stepmoms hear those words, it makes us want to put our fists through something; usually the mouth from which those words came.

The sentiment reflects an ignorant mindset from many of those who have never walked in the shoes of a stepmom.

Want to know what I “knew” when I married my husband?

I knew that my experience as a stepchild was a pretty great one. That my mom and stepmom always got along and that my parents never fought in front of me.

I “knew” that I was marrying an amazing man whose kids were nice to me.

I “knew” that his ex-wife wasn’t happy about me but that she’d eventually get over it.

Just as a new parent can never really know what to expect when their biological baby enters the world, no member of the stepfamily could have actually known what they were in for.

What many outsiders don’t know is that the challenges don’t just appear the moment we start dating our partners. In fact, many of them don’t even show up until we get married.

It seems the marriage itself triggers many of these issues:

  • The ex-wife who behaves like a three year old, full-blown tantrums and all, when she realizes you’re here to stay
  • Kids who previously thought you were cool, now loathe you as they have to share their dad’s time and attention
  • The parent who doesn’t really parent because he’s feeling so much guilt over the divorce, which leaves you in a house full of wild, undisciplined children
  • Court dates and custody battles
  • Parental alienation syndrome
  • Doctor’s offices and school systems who don’t recognize you as anything more than a glorified baby sitter

…just to name a few.

So no, we didn’t “know” this was what we were signing up for when we said “I do.”

I think it’s shocking that people really think if we were faced with all these challenges on our first date – or before we fell in love with our partners – that we would have stayed.

Except for a few masochistic woman, many of us would have jumped ship.

For most of us, we were already madly in love with our partners when the common stepfamily challenges started to rear their ugly heads. And so we stayed.

And we continue to stay because we believe our men are worth it. We believe our marriage is worth it. And to make sure it continues to be worth it, we need to have many more good times than bad.

When someone with children tells Laura Antonucci, a member of my Childless Stepmoms Facebook group, that she knew what she was getting into, she replies with,  ”Did you know everything you were getting into with your first child?” And when they say “no,” she says  ”Well I guess we both knew but didn’t really know.”

I like this response. It’s surely more effective than the commonly used “screw you” response!

And what about you? How have you responded to this blissfully ignorant statement by people who have never been part of a stepfamily?

© 2012 Jenna Korf    All Rights Reserved

(photo credit:graur razvan donut)

Dealing With a Difficult Ex-Wife

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(As previously published in the October 2011 issue of Stepmom Magazine)

Hindsight is 20/20. If there is one thing I wish I could have foreseen when I met my husband, it’s the difficulties I would encounter with his ex-wife. Before she had even met me, it seemed her mind was made up. I was the devil—at least on the days she was willing to acknowledge my existence.

Within many stepmom communities, divorced moms have earned a pretty bad reputation, and it’s easy to see why. There are many reasons why perfectly sane, intelligent, otherwise-normal women act not so normal when their ex-husbands remarry.

Stepmoms can save themselves a lot of stress and angst by understanding a few basic truths and some sound coping strategies.

So, here are five things that will help you cope with a less-than welcoming ex-wife.

1. Don’t expect appreciation from her.

You deserve to be acknowledged, but being deserving isn’t enough. In mom’s mind, she didn’t sign up to co-parent with you, and she and her ex were doing just fine before you came along.

If you stop expecting a “thank you” that might never come, you’ll stop being disappointed. Let that expectation go, and if she happens to come around one day you’ll have reason to celebrate!

Who you should be receiving appreciation from is your husband. If he’s lacking in that department, give him a little reminder that it would be nice to be recognized for all you do.

2. Let go of wishing she did things the way you do.

It’s so easy to judge another’s parenting, especially when we only hear half the story. Realize that she is not you. She doesn’t see life through the same filter as you. She probably has different values than you, and our values guide most of our decisions.

Is she making decisions that put her child in immediate danger? Will her choices assure your stepchild a life of crime? If so, then your husband needs to kick it into high gear, but if not, try to let go of your judgments. They’re a waste of time and the only person they hurt is you.

3. Recognize the need for boundaries.

Does she seem to CC you on every nasty email to your husband? Or perhaps you’re the lucky recipient of her anger. A wonderful boundary to set in regard to email is setting up a rule.

On most email servers, you can set a rule that says, “If from ___ then send to ___.” That way, her email goes directly into a designated folder for later use in court or the trash—whichever you see fit.

Either way, it saves you from being harassed or affected by her negative words. And what you don’t know won’t hurt you.

4. Remember that she’s your husband’s ex, not yours, and it’s his job to deal with her.

I don’t know why we stepmoms feel the need to have our hand in everything, but the smartest and sanest thing you can do is let your husband be the one to communicate with her.

This might seem harsh, and you might feel guilty because he’d rather not talk to her either, but it was his decision to marry her, or at least procreate with her, so she’s his to deal with.

Stepping away from her drama will leave you in a more peaceful state and better able to support your husband.

5. Don’t take it personally.

Unless you were intentionally nasty and cruel to her, please stop beating yourself up, wondering what you did to make her hate you.

And while you’re at it, please stop trying to be overly nice to her while she continues to show you she has no interest in forging a relationship with you. There are probably a million emotions she hasn’t processed or isn’t capable of working through and she just might not be able to accept you.

It’s OK to stop trying to get somewhere with her. On the upside, she doesn’t have to accept you!

Her opinion of you doesn’t dictate your worth.

Let go of trying to please her and focus on what really matters— you, your marriage and your family.

(photo credit:Idea go)

© 2011 Jenna Korf    All Rights Reserved

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Stepmoms: Always the outsider

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Why do stepmoms often feel like such outsiders?

Easy. Because they are.

Non-stepmoms can’t understand this concept. But a lot of stepmoms know exactly what I’m talking about.

  • The kids walk into the house and ignore you
  • You answer the phone and they say “Is dad there?” – No “Hi, how are you?”
  • You’re sitting on the couch next to your spouse, but the kids only say goodnight to him
  • Your stepchild offers to get his dad a drink while in the kitchen, completely ignoring the fact that you might be thirsty too

You’ve never been so ignored and felt so insignificant in your life. Welcome to the stepfamily.

Why is this such a common occurrence in stepfamilies?

There are a couple of possible reasons:

  1. There’s a common conflict in step families. Blood bonds vs. love and/or marriage.
  2. Its unintentional; kids don’t even realize they’re doing it. And this I know from personal experience.

It’s true. I have a stepmom that I love. And I didn’t realize it until I was an adult, but I never included her. I would always call out for dad, address dad, ask for dad, and not even notice that I was ignoring her. If someone would have pointed it out to me, I’m sure I would have been shocked, as shocked as I was when I realized it as an adult, and I would have made more of an effort.

I’m sure it felt awfully personal to her, but it wasn’t.

And then there’s bond conflicts.

Did you know that a person receiving a new organ has to be put on special medications so their body doesn’t reject it?

There’s a natural tendency for the body to reject what’s foreign.  Same thing applies in stepfamilies, and it sucks.

Home is supposed to be the one place you feel safe. The one place you can relax and let the worries of the world fall away. But that can’t happen when you’re stuck with a dynamic that has you feeling like a stranger in your own home.  Ignored. Treated like a maid. Surrounded by draining, negative energy from a teenager that didn’t come from your womb.

Take your pick of scenarios.

What to do?

  1. Stop feeling like a freak or thinking it’s your fault. Acknowledge that, unfortunately, it’s a normal occurrence in stepfamilies. It’s not personal.
  2. Your husband’s support is vital. He can’t force his kids to like you, but he can demand they treat you with respect (see #3). He can also verbalize his appreciation for you and show you in little ways that you matter to him and to the family.
  3. Create some house rules around common courtesy and basic manners (hello/bye/thank you).
  4. If the kids already have an active mom, even if you don’t agree with her parenting, focus more on being a wife and less on trying to “mother” your stepchildren. You can still nurture and show love, but remember that they already have a mom.
  5. Let the kids set pace of relationship. The harder you try to get love from them, the harder they’ll resist.  Let the relationships evolve naturally and remember it can take years to form a bond.
  6. Invite your friends or family over for holidays. You’ll feel like you have somebody on your team and will be more comfortable being yourself.
  7. Create a kid-free zone where you can escape from the awkwardness and decompress.

© 2012 Jenna Korf    All Rights Reserved