Acknowledging Loss and Embracing Your Life As a Stepmom

Posted on June 3, 2012 by Jenna

Although being a stepmom can be awesome, you’ve probably experienced some losses along the way. And although the losses are a result of your choice to be with the man you love, that doesn’t make them any less valid or painful.

I’m here to remind you that most losses need to be mourned in order to properly move on from them, so they don’t keep creeping up causing you emotional distress and inner conflict.

People often associate the act of mourning with extreme tragedy, like the loss of a loved one. But there are many other situations where grief is appropriate and mourning is necessary.

Let’s be honest, no eight year old plays dress up pretending to be a stepmom. Our life is not what we expected it to be. And often there is something getting in our way of completely embracing this life we’ve chosen.

Some losses that stepmoms may initially experience are:

Inability to have your own children if your husband has been previously “fixed”
Experience of “firsts” with your husband – marriage, children, buying a house, etc…
The phase of falling in love and the growing of a relationship without interference from anyone (ex-wife and kids)

Losses along the way may include:

Having a healthy relationship with your stepchild’s mom
Having a mutual, loving relationship with your stepchildren
The planned future or your children’s future due to financial obligations of your husband to his children and/or ex-wife

It’s difficult to move forward into the present if you’re still holding onto the past. You’re always going to be resisting what IS at the same time you’re trying to move forward; like trying to walk into the ocean against 12-foot waves.

Mourning your loss, whatever it may be, gives you a chance to look honestly at your thoughts and feelings about the situation. You must move into the pain (as uncomfortable as it is) in order to move through it and come out the other side.

Once you shine a light on something, it’s not nearly as scary as what’s lurking in the dark.

My Mourning…

For me, the loss I needed to mourn was the future I had always pictured for myself, which didn’t include kids.

I never wanted my own children. It was just something that never appealed to me. I loved my “me” time. I always envisioned my future traveling with my husband, wherever and whenever we wanted. My life, my dreams, goals and plans never involved kids.

But once I met my husband all that went out the window. I was trying to embrace this new lifestyle I had chosen and couldn’t figure out why I was having so much trouble adjusting.

With my husband’s encouragement, I attended a personal retreat to recharge. After a few days of being alone and contemplating my situation, it hit me.

I was still holding onto my dream of a childless future even though there was no possibility of it. I was subconsciously resisting what my life had become.

All those plans and dreams needed to be put to rest and replaced with new ones, but that couldn’t happen until I acknowledged that I was still holding on to them. In that moment of realization, the flood gates opened, and all this pent up emotion came spilling out.

But I didn’t just have to acknowledge my grief in order to let it go, I needed to mourn the loss. I had to face what giving up that future meant to me. A lifelong collection of plans and dreams gone. I had to face, head on, all the painful emotions that I was feeling as a result of the choice I made to be with my husband.

After I experienced the mourning process, it felt like a huge weight was lifted off my chest, that I didn’t even know was there. I was healing. And with it came a new excitement.

I was finally able to look at my new future and be excited about the possibilities it brought.

That was the turning point for me in my stepfamily. That’s when I started to relax around the kids and actually enjoy them. And they in turn did the same.

Mourning takes different shapes. It is a very personal and individual process and there’s no set timetable for it. Some ways to mourn include: journaling, joining a support group, turning to your spirituality or religion, etc…

Even though the process is painful, it’s also cathartic. The outcome is a healed part of yourself and the ability to fully embrace what IS instead of being stuck in the “what is NOT.”

Also, don’t let anyone tell you what is okay to feel grief about and what is not. Your pain and what you perceive as a loss is not up for discussion or judgement. Whatever you feel is valid.

What have your experiences been in regards to loss? Are you holding on to something that’s preventing you from embracing your life?

(Photo credit: FreeDigitalPhotos.net)

How To Prevent Stepmom Burnout

Posted on April 25, 2012 by Jenna

What the hell is stepmom burnout?

It’s what occurs when a stepmom has gone too far in the “giving” direction and has lost her way.

Just look at any stepmom who hasn’t learned to say “no” and you’ll see it on her face, etched in her frown lines.

She’s the stepmom who’s lost her smile. The stepmom who’s feeling resentful that she picks up ALL the slack at home and gets nothing in return.

She’s constantly stressed out and on edge. She’s forgotten who she is. She’s forgotten what makes her laugh and how light she used to feel. She doesn’t like who she’s become.

Her emotional tank is on empty and if she doesn’t do something about it soon, her family may fall apart.

The road to hell is paved with good intentions. We want to fix our families. We want to save everyone from themselves. We are the never-ending helpers.

But in being all that, we sell our souls. We become worn out, hurt, feeling used, tired; a shell of the vibrant, happy women we used to be.

If this describes you, are you ready for a change? If so, keep reading and follow these steps:

1. Learn to say “No.” Saying “no” doesn’t make you a bad person. It makes you a person who knows their own worth and values their emotional health. It makes you a good role model to your stepchildren, teaching them what it looks like to care for themselves and honor their own needs.

As you might have guessed, this is easier said than done. People like to be taken care of. When your family sees that you’re no longer at their beck and call, they’re going to push back. Don’t be manipulated. Stay strong and explain why this new you is necessary. Reassure them that they will soon reap the benefits of a more relaxed, happy-go-lucky you.

2. Learn to say “yes!” to YOU. When you’re constantly saying “yes” to everyone else, you’re saying “no” to you. In turn, you’re zapping your own energy source, robbing yourself of the fuel that feeds your spirit. The result? You lose the best parts of you.

It’s time to awaken the old you. Give yourself permission to do something FUN! Think of one activity you’ve given up that used to revive your energy. Commit to doing it once a week.

And because you’re not a selfish bitch, let your family know ahead of time that you’ll be carving out this time for yourself so they can alter their plans if need be.

Has it been so long you can’t even remember what you like to do? Try browsing through magazines and tear out anything that strikes you. It’ll help you kickstart your creative side.

3. Reconnect with friends. Good friends keep us grounded. They remind us who we are and reflect the best parts of ourselves. When was the last time you spoke to a close friend? If it’s been so long that you can’t remember, it’s time to give them a call. Make plans to get together, Skype or just gab on the phone like the old days. Life is pushy and gets in the way, but it’s time to push back.

Still not convinced you have it in you?

Ponder these questions and see if you make any progress:

What are my beliefs about honoring my own needs?
What does it say about me if I put my needs first?
What does saying “no” to other people mean?
How will my family benefit if I choose to take better care of myself?
What’s getting in my way of being happy?

Have you experienced Stepmom Burnout? What have you done to alleviate it?

(Photo credit: Nujalee)

“Stepmoms, You Knew What You Were Getting Into…”

Posted on March 29, 2012 by Jenna

“You knew what you were getting into when you married him.”

When stepmoms hear those words, it makes us want to put our fists through something; usually the mouth from which those words came.

The sentiment reflects an ignorant mindset from many of those who have never walked in the shoes of a stepmom.

Want to know what I “knew” when I married my husband?

I knew that my experience as a stepchild was a pretty great one. That my mom and stepmom always got along and that my parents never fought in front of me.

I “knew” that I was marrying an amazing man whose kids were nice to me.

I “knew” that his ex-wife wasn’t happy about me but that she’d eventually get over it.

Just as a new parent can never really know what to expect when their biological baby enters the world, no member of the stepfamily could have actually known what they were in for.

What many outsiders don’t know is that the challenges don’t just appear the moment we start dating our partners. In fact, many of them don’t even show up until we get married.

It seems the marriage itself triggers many of these issues:

The ex-wife who behaves like a three year old, full-blown tantrums and all, when she realizes you’re here to stay
Kids who previously thought you were cool, now loathe you as they have to share their dad’s time and attention
The parent who doesn’t really parent because he’s feeling so much guilt over the divorce, which leaves you in a house full of wild, undisciplined children
Court dates and custody battles
Parental alienation syndrome
Doctor’s offices and school systems who don’t recognize you as anything more than a glorified baby sitter

…just to name a few.

So no, we didn’t “know” this was what we were signing up for when we said “I do.”

I think it’s shocking that people really think if we were faced with all these challenges on our first date – or before we fell in love with our partners – that we would have stayed.

Except for a few masochistic woman, many of us would have jumped ship.

For most of us, we were already madly in love with our partners when the common stepfamily challenges started to rear their ugly heads. And so we stayed.

And we continue to stay because we believe our men are worth it. We believe our marriage is worth it. And to make sure it continues to be worth it, we need to have many more good times than bad.

When someone with children tells Laura Antonucci, a member of my Childless Stepmoms Facebook group, that she knew what she was getting into, she replies with, ”Did you know everything you were getting into with your first child?” And when they say “no,” she says ”Well I guess we both knew but didn’t really know.”

I like this response. It’s surely more effective than the commonly used “screw you” response!

And what about you? How have you responded to this blissfully ignorant statement by people who have never been part of a stepfamily?

(photo credit:graur razvan donut)

10 Best Things About Being a Stepmom

Posted on March 3, 2012 by Jenna

Originally posted on Aug. 10, 2011 on my blog No One’s the Bitch.

There are probably 100 reasons why the most common words out of a stepmom’s mouth are “this is the hardest thing I’ve ever done.”

But why focus on the negative?

Here’s a countdown of the top 10 BEST things about being a stepmom!

10. You get to have kids AND keep your kickin’ body. No stretch marks or saggy boobs here!

9. You get to deflect blame. When you’re out with your stepchildren and they decide to throw a loud, embarrassing fit, you can stare back at the crowd and with a clear conscience say “Oh, they’re not mine!”

8. You get to have “behind-the-scenes” influence. You get to co-parent with your husband behind closed doors, then sit back while he dishes out the discipline. What evil stepmom?

7. You’re growing as a person. Anytime you’re faced with something challenging, you can’t help but learn and grow from it. What have you learned? How have you grown?

6. You get to watch your husband be in awe of his offspring. One of the sweetest things is to see the man you love fill with pride over his children. You get to sit back and listen intently while he shares his thoughts, hopes and plans for their future.

5. You can go from outsider to instant insider. There comes a time when you go from being a stranger to being part of the family. This can show up in a million different ways. It could be with a first hug, or when the kids finally decide to talk to you, or when you walk in the door and your stepson yells “Hurry up! Look what I made in school today!”

It’s an inclusion that wasn’t there the day before, and there’s nothing quite like it.

4. You’re not their parent. Instead, you’re a safe place for them to open up about things they might not want to share with their parents. This could be good or it could be bad, but either way it lets you know you’re special to them.

3. You can heal a family. Sometimes it takes an outsider to break the pattern of the family drama. You can provide your husband and your stepchildren with a new way of being that they otherwise might not have experienced.

This also gives the kids an opportunity to witness what a healthy, adult relationship looks like. And with that vision, when they grow up, maybe they’ll seek out nurturing relationships, where the dynamic is supportive and reciprocal, instead of what they might have witnessed when their parents were together.

2. You get to walk away. When the kids are throwing attitude, acting ungrateful or just plain mean, you have the option of walking away. When YOU’RE the one with the bad day and can’t bear to be surrounded by kids, you get to take a time out.

Many stepmoms don’t take advantage of this option for fear of appearing “separate” from their stepfamily, or because they feel too much guilt. They end up burnt out because they don’t remove themselves when they desperately need to.

But the fact remains, as a stepmom, you can tell your husband it’s all on him and you’re taking the night off! I suggest every stepmom exercise this option at least once every two weeks.

And the number one best thing about being a stepmom is…

1. You’re loved for just being YOU. You have an opportunity to be loved by the kids, simply for who you are, not because you gave birth to them. Now how freakin’ cool is that?

Did I miss one? Feel free to share!

Five Ways to Make Your Marriage the Priority

Posted on February 23, 2012 by Jenna

It’s not just a myth that in a stepfamily the marriage needs to be the number one priority. It’s what has been proven to work hundreds of times over. Otherwise, there ends up being a second divorce, or just two miserable people tolerating each other.

Either way, it sucks for you and it sucks for the kids.

The couple is the pillar of the family unit, holding the family together. But when the children’s wants are made to be more important than the adult’s needs, chaos ensues.

Kids need structure in order to feel safe. As Ben Garber says in his book “Keeping Kids Out of the Middle,” think of the marriage as their safety net; something they can rely on.

Be prepared. They’re going to test that net to see how far they can stretch it. They need to know it will stretch without breaking. They need to know they can count on it to be there, to catch them when they fall.

Here are 5 practices that will help ensure you’re making your marriage the priority!

1. Explain the new “structure” of the family to the kids. The kids are often in pain from divorce and the loss of their family, resulting in misplaced anger (usually aimed at the stepmom). It’s up to the biological father to listen to his children, empathize with them about their pain, but remind them that the new structure of the family includes the stepmom.

Let them know they’re loved and find out what needs of theirs are possibly not being met.

Make sure to have some alone time with them at every visit. And talk to them about possible solutions for what’s ailing them.

2. Stepmoms, your spouse must defend you to the kids. The children will take their cues from dad, so he needs to be your biggest advocate. He needs to let them know that he loves you and that although they don’t have to love you, or even like you, they must respect you, as his wife.

Referring to you as his wife, as opposed to their stepmom, may be less threatening and easier for the kids to digest.

3. Be affectionate in front of the kids. It’s healthy to hold hands, give a peck on the cheek, etc… If the previous marriage was volatile, this might be the first time they’ve ever witnessed love and affection between two healthy adults.

This is your opportunity to model a loving relationship so they have a better chance of experiencing one for themselves in the future.

And give yourselves some alone time! Do your best to create a date night (or at least a date hour). The adults in a marriage need to experience each other without the children around. It’s important to keep up the “R-rated” aspect of your relationship, so you continue to see each other as more than “parents.”

4. The couple should never undermine each other in front of the children. Stepmoms, if your partner doesn’t agrees with something you’ve done or said to the kids, he needs to support you in front of the kids and then discuss it behind closed doors.

Otherwise, the child may see the stepparent as insignificant, and feel a sense of power over the family. He may believe he’s found a way to drive a wedge between the couple, thinking this might be his opportunity to get his parents back together. And he may think he can dictate how the family runs.

I don’t actually need to describe the hell it would be to have a child running the household, do I??

As Foster Cline recommends from the book Parenting teens with love and logic, “A good relationship between child and stepparent is healthy and worth striving for. But when disputes arise, the birth parent must unequivocally back up the stepparent as an authority in the home.”

And stepmoms, you’re not off the hook here. This rule goes both ways.

5. The child won’t respect the stepparent if the biological parent doesn’t demand it. By “respect” I’m referring to listening to the stepparent when she’s directing the child, not insulting or badmouthing the stepparent; showing basic manners.

If this isn’t occurring, the biological parent needs to step in. It can’t come from the stepparent, because the child most likely does not feel any loyalty or responsibility to the stepparent.

The results of a child not respecting a stepparent can be enough to damage the marriage. A stepmom may feel powerless in her own home. She will come to dread the children’s visits.

She will feel she is cooking, cleaning, nurturing this child, only to be completely disrespected. If this goes on for too long, the stepmom ends up feeling used and abused, instead of loved and supported.

She will also be angry with her husband for not protecting her or listening to her needs. She may feel so beaten down that she doesn’t think it’s worth it to stay in the marriage.

After all, the marriage is the reason she’s here!

As you can see, the dad holds a lot of responsibility for keeping the stepfamily intact. That’a pretty big burden and it’s a difficult job. But with his wife’s support he can succeed. And with her husband’s support, the stepmom will know that her marriage is strong. She will know that her efforts are worthwhile and her emotional cup will be filled.

And the whole family will benefit!

(Photo credit: photostock)

Stepmoms: Always the outsider

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