Stepfamily Q & A: “What should I tell my daughter about her stepmom?”

Q: Mary from Vermont asks: What, if anything, should I tell my 12 year old daughter about her new stepmom?

A: The best thing Mary could do for her daughter is give her permission to like and love her stepmom.

Children, especially girls, often take on the feelings of their moms in regards to the other parent remarrying. If mom isn’t happy about it, the daughter will often mimic that emotion, causing conflict in the new stepfamily and inner turmoil for the child.

To quote Wednesday Martin, author of Stepmonster,  “The best thing a mom can do post-divorce when her ex-partner repartners is to explicitly release her kids from their loyalty binds by saying, “I’m a grown up. It won’t hurt my feelings if you’re friendly with Suzie. I hope you will give her a chance.” It takes a lot to say this many times, but the payoff is kids of any age who don’t feel torn down the middle.”

© 2012 Jenna Korf    All Rights Reserved

(Photo credit: Freedigitalphotos.net)

2 thoughts on “Stepfamily Q & A: “What should I tell my daughter about her stepmom?”

  1. Your advise to Mary is, in my opinion, perfect. Let’s take a look at this issue from the perspective of the stepmom when it is not uncommon for tension, compromise, and confusion to rule when the role of parent is shared between a step and biological parent. Some people still feel that stepparents aren’t “real” parents, but our culture has no norms to suggest how they are different. And the less our roles are defined, the more unhappy we are as both parents and stepparents.

    Another role ambiguity is that society seems to expect acquired parents and children to instantly love each other in much the same way as biological parents and their children do. In reality, however, this is often just not so. A stepparent might feel a tremendous amount of guilt about his or her lack of positive feelings (or even the presence of negative feelings) toward the spouse’s children. Discipline might be a constant source of family conflict: You might, for example, think your ex-spouse isn’t being strict enough, when in fact, most stepfathers and stepmothers think the real parent is not being strict enough.

    As a stepparent, you might feel like an unbiased observer with a grudge because you’re an outsider and the very thing that’s making you “unbiased” is something you resent, biology. Stepchildren, as well, often don’t react to their parent’s new spouse as though he or she were the “real” parent. The irony of expecting instant “real” parent-child love is further complicated by the fact that stepparents are not generally expected to be “equal” in discipline or otherwise controlling their stepchildren.

    Another reason for a difficult stepparent-child relationship might be that your child does not want this marriage to work, and so, acts out with hostility. Commonly children harbor fantasies that their biological parents will reunite. If children had reservations about or strongly disapproved of your divorce, they may sabotage your new relationships in the hope that you will get back together. Children who want their natural parents to remarry may feel that sabotaging the new relationship will get them back together. Stepchildren can prove hostile adversaries, and this is especially true for adolescents.

    Although all stepchildren and stepparents are to some degree uncomfortable with some aspect of their new family role, certain difficulties are more likely to affect stepmothers, and others are more common to stepfathers. Conflicting expectations of a stepmother’s role make it especially hard. As a stepparent, your best shot at happiness is to ignore the myths and negative images and to work to stay optimistic.

    As a stepmother, yes, your work is cut out for you. In fact, the role of stepmother is thought by some clinicians to be more difficult than that of stepfather. One important reason is that stepmother families, more than stepfather families, may be born of difficult custody battles and/or have a history of particularly troubled family relations.

    Society also seems, on the one hand, to expect romantic, almost mythical loving relationships between stepmothers and children while, at the same time, portraying stepmothers as cruel, vain, selfish, competitive, and even abusive (Snow White, Cinderella, and Hansel and Gretel are just a few bedtime stories we are all familiar with). Stepmothers are also often accused of giving preferential treatment to their own children. As a result, a stepmother must be much better than just okay before she is considered acceptable. No matter how skillful and patient you are, all your actions are suspect. Is it any wonder that stepmothers tend to be more stressed, anxious, and depressed than other mothers and also more stressed than stepfathers?

    Some researchers have found that stepmothers behave more negatively toward stepchildren than do stepfathers, and children in stepmother families seem to do less well in terms of their behavior. In fact, the relationship between stepmother and stepdaughter is often the most difficult. Yet, other studies indicate that stepmothers can have a positive impact on stepchildren. Because stepmothers are much more likely to play an active part in the lives of children than stepfathers, perhaps there is simply more to go wrong.

    Still, some step-mothering situations can make this role especially complicated — such as a part-time or weekend stepmother if you are married to a non-custodial father who sees his children regularly. You may try with all your heart to establish a loving relationship with your husband’s children, only to be openly rejected, or you may feel left out of part of his life because of his relationship with his children. In addition, a part-time stepmother can feel left out by her husband’s relationship with his ex-wife; for example, non-custodial fathers need to spend time communicating with their ex-wives about their children’s school problems, orthodontia, illnesses, and even household maintenance and repairs.

    Yet, well-run by knowledgeable, confidant stepfamily adult teams (not simply couples), this modern version of an ancient family form can provide the warmth, comfort, inspiration, support, security—and often (not always) the love—that adults and kids long for.

    Gloria Lintermans is the author of THE SECRETS TO STEPFAMILY SUCCESS: Revolutionary Tools to Create a Blended Family of Support and Respect

  2. As a stepmother who is married to the custodial parent, let me just tell you that Stepmoms have little interest in ‘taking over’ as new mom or replacing biological parents, at least no one that I have ever met. Often we have children already or added later and have our hands full already. Suddenly we are thrown into a situation where we are being asked to do all the things a mom does… take care of needs, drive them to school, do homework, projects, read bedtime stories, make sure teeth are brushed, baths are taken, tuck them into bed, put up with any behavioral issues, up with all night when they are sick, take them to the doctor, love them, protect them, try to teach them values plus a million other things we do as moms. But YET, according to some biological mom, if we do this we are ‘crossing boundaries’ and trying to ‘replace’ them. I unfortunately deal with this on a daily basis. I do the challenging work of raising him, but am supposed to be invisible.
    More often than not, it is the exact opposite we want. The old adage, it takes a village, is never more true than in a blended family. We all need as much positive support and help we can get. We are accused of overstepping our boundaries if we show the least amount of bonding, but then accused of being a mean stepmom if we don’t. I am no expert, except for being a mom, but I think kids flourish when they have a lot of different people giving them love and support. Whether they come into our lives through marriage or left on our doorsteps. Love is love, there is no contest. The goal is to have our kids have healthy boundaries and examples of a loving family, no matter what form it takes. My son also has a stepmom. I feel absolutely lucky and grateful that my ex married someone warm and giving and loves my son. I don’t need to compete, we both have different kinds of relationships with my son. I tell my son that all our hearts are big enough to let as many people in it as we want. Also just because we love another person, it doesn’t mean we are replacing – we are adding. I don’t know anyone who couldn’t use extra added love and help. If we try and keep our child’s love all to ourselves, then we deny them the chance to love fully. When it comes to wanting love for your children, there should be no ‘boundaries’.

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