There are so many elements to being a stepmom. Some wonderful and some worthy of being put in a box never to be seen again.
Still, many stepmoms have managed to overcome that initial “Oh my God what was I thinking…” phase and move into the “Okay, I’ve got this. It’s not so bad after all” phase.
I can sit here and preach all day long about how to get that peaceful place, but I’d like to hear from some of you.
- How did you overcome your stepmom challenges?
- What was the moment that changed things for you?
- Was there a moment? Or more like a series of moments?
- What is your outlook on stepmom-dom now?
And to those who are still in the “Crap, this sucks” phase, what are you struggling with most? What do you think needs to happen in order to find your peace?
When we share our stories, others learn and are comforted by them.
Sending appreciation to everyone in advance!
© 2012 Jenna Korf All Rights Reserved
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(photo credit:FreePhotos.net)
For me the biggest challenge was trying to understand why the mother of the children didn’t want to meet me and work together. I couldn’t understand why she bad mouthed me and my children to her children, it went against everything I understood about being a competent parent.
Then I read one of your blogs Jenna, and understood that she may never feel like that, that she didn’t sign up for sharing her kids when she had them, and also that she was still in too much pain to even begin to allow me into her life – it was awful enough for her just me being in her ex and children’s lives.
Once I accepted that, and stopped telling her what she should be doing for the sake of her children (yes, I was that overbearing, self-righteous step mama) and let her know what I wanted, but also that I accepted that she may never want that and apologised for being so insensitive to her pain and loss – abracadabra – she had the space to come forward and begin building a relationship.
I think often in the ‘war of the mommas’, we back ourselves into corners when we are hurt and angry and then when those feelings fade – we have drawn such strict lines and the sand, it is hard to move forward without feeling a loss of face, or some sense of backing down and losing.
The best thing I did I think was giving my counterpart room to move forward without losing face – in fact, she told my partner ‘Well, once you guys stopped being so immature, I could start working with you’. The only thing we changed was me saying sorry.
Wow, Kat! That’s so amazing that she responded after you gave her enough room (and respect) to breathe
. And kudos to her for being emotionally mature enough to open up to you and move forward. You two just changed your stepdaughter’s future. So happy for your family! 
Thanks Jenna
It really was so helpful to get some insight into how she might be feeling. I had literally turned myself inside trying to see things from her point of view and just couldn’t. Once I was able to understand her pain better, it made it way easier to be generous and kind.
One of the things that it helping me (somewhat) is looking at her (birthmom) point of view or what she values in her life as important as opposed to what is important to me. Maybe I don’t agree with it, but it is her perspective and what she sees is important.
One of the things that helped me most was disengaging. I found that by allowing my husband, the Father, parent his kids when they were with us, it let me off the hook. If they asked for permission, I sent them to him. If they were in need of discipline, I sent them to him. (you get the idea) After a bit, they got the message and so did he. I am not their Mother nor do I care to be, and I knew I was in a damned if I do, damned if I don’t situation and chose the don’t end. I realized early on I was going to be blamed and therefore, developed the “please myself and my children” attitude. While I know this sounds selfish, it really allowed my husband the opportunity to bond with his kids and it truly saved my sanity!
1) Recognising the home situation: thinking specifically of two examples ‘overly demanding’ and ‘selfish’ were conclusions I drew when my stepdaughter was younger. Three meals because she wouldn’t eat the first or second (just went against my grain) and never acknowledging my husband at celebrations (screaming when shopping until was bought something, refusing to sign cards etc). In terms of the meals, it became apparent that at home she decides the meals. Whilst I won’t make more than one or have the menu decided, I can understand why this was such a curve. In regards to the second, it took seven years for either of us to recognize how much her stepfather ‘needed’ to be recognised as daddy and the pressure that seems to exist at home. Once again, much easier to understand the behaviours that we were seeing.
2) You are not responsible for the relationship or any low points in it: I’ve spent years being the idea person and ‘the fun’ without acknowledgement. Largely fine although I am habouring a secret resentment that my pancake recipe as this took me and my girlfriends many iterations to perfect in college. Anyway, the point that I have found particularly difficult is when their relationship is at a low… ‘were the ideas not good enough?’. It wasn’t until we hit teenage years that I realised nothing was good enough, that there were four people putting energy into entertaining one person, that it was futile, and that it didn’t matter… under it all she is fine and genuinely doesn’t have a issue with anyone.
3) not the stepmomma: I’ve never used that label and do not think it would help in this situation. Instead I have inwardly taken the ‘joe public’ approach… if you wouldn’t do I to Joe, don’t think I will put up with it. Make’s me harsh, perhaps…