It was a hard day for me when I had to let my nanny go (I know, Veuve Clicquot problems!). My daughter, Zemrie was turning four and heading to preschool. I also have a fabulous stepson, Zac who is nine. Julie has been a life saver, assisting our family since my daughter was born. She has even watched and played games with Zac, the Zman, on a few occasions.
I was busy doing some work, housecleaning, planning, etc… and as Julie left one day, I said nonchalantly, “Well, you know the little lady is heading to school, so we will be seeing a lot less of you in a couple months.” I gave a little pouty-lip frown and head tilt, then as I went onto writing the grocery list, I looked up and noticed her crying. I thought, dear God woman, I am not sending you back to Honduras! We live in LA, you will find a new job in a week! My other thought was that of guilt…I will get online and put my attanae out and help her with a new gig.
Man, was I so off with my thinking.
She looked up with watery eyes and spilled, “I will miss Zemrie so much, I have been with your family for four years.” I stopped in my tracks, what?? This isn’t about a job or cash flow?? You love children that are not yours??
She continued on as I stood there dumfounded. “This is the hardest part of this job. Leaving the kids I love, teach and adore.“ My chin started to quiver… I hadn’t felt a tear over something like this in so long… I thought this was a duty for her… an obligation.
Duty and obligation? Sounds so familiar to me. Most people believe stepmoms are parents out of obligation…something you must do, based on the situation, which is only part of it.
I stood there and looked at Julie and thought to myself, I feel a connection and empathy (or is it sympathy…I always forget). If anything happens to my husband or we decide to separate, I will also be “let go” from Zac’s life, a boy I have been raising since he was four…most courts would make you really fight for even slight visitation and most likely there would be none…and would fade overtime. No biological connection is really a doozie, but it doesn’t make the love any less, as I also realize even with Julie.
I began to watch Julie while she was with my daughter, something I have never done through her eyes… only mine… judging, making sure she was teaching correctly, giving my daughter the utmost attention and the right amount of hugs and guidance…something that I am sure most do when watching stepmoms, including our spouses, in-laws, friends, biomoms, teachers and complete strangers.
I noticed so many things Julie did that I never knew before… the truly selfless behaviors, everyday, many hours of the day… she certainly did not get the payment, monetary or other-wise that she deserves. It’s priceless to find a gem like that.
My negativity started coming out again… will she pull away? Will she become flaky? Ugh, I want to slap myself, but I just put on some really good face cream I ordered from Ole Henriksen….
None of that happened over her last months. It seemed like she was even more attentive and caring, because it was genuine. Hand me the tissues and waterproof mascara!
I talked to another mother who works with Julie and she told me she had a waitlist for her services! People that lived closer to her than I do and would even pay her more than what I was paying. I couldn’t believe this. She loved our family and chose the less desirable route for her…a difficult choice to say the least. Something most of us stepmoms can certainly relate to…not that I would even put myself on the pedestal I now put our Julie on…she makes me want to have another baby so she can come back!
Then I come to my senses… hell no, I’m not that crazy, pass me the Malbec and I will just sit back and remember how lucky I am to know someone else who loves children that she shares no dna with… we were a lot more similar than I ever thought we would be.
Cheers to you and people like you Julie! You make me know the term ‘biological’ is truly just a technical one. Visit anytime, it’s a court order!
(photo credit: FreeDigitalPhotos.net)
© 2012 Sara Stanley All Rights Reserved
Sara Stanley is a biomom, stepmom, stepdaughter and an audacious stand up comedian and writer who has been featured on The Style Network and E! Entertainment Television. She has also written copy for National Campaign ads. Sara is a business woman and telecommutes from home for a successful finance company as well (gotta pay the bills!) info@sarastanley.com. http://www.sarastanley.com/
This is a great article and read, what a correlation between a step mom and nanny. I hope to read more from you Sara, as this is not only very funny and amazing but perhaps the best comparison of what it is like to be in a step moms shoes as well as a nannys…. Fantastic! Congrats@$!$
Wow- well done…so true, I have never thought about putting myself in my ex-husbands wife’s shoes. Where we do have a decent relationship, She is a step mother as I am to my new husbands, and your humor is fantastic.. We could use a lot more of that when to comes to co-parenting ! Bravo!
What a great article! I know I tend to sit and watch and judge and not see things through the eyes of my nanny – mostly because I’m thinking who in the hell would want to hang with these urchins other than me! – but really, they’re decent kids and I appreciate the nannies and sitters who have helped me rear them.
Love your humor, writing skills and your insight! I think you are the next “Bethany”! Keep it up-you are awesome!!
I like your comparison of stepmoms and nannies. How lucky for you all that Julie was a part of your family for so long. I’m glad you were able to appreciate her fully before she left. I hope our society can evolve into one in which stepmoms are at least treated as well as nannies. It’s definately not so today. So many stepmoms aren’t even regarded as highly as foster moms. At least foster moms are protected by law from the hate of the biomom and are paid a salary. Yet most people respect foster moms for doing a job no one would want to do. I wish stepmoms enjoyed the same dignity as nannies and foster moms.