Category Archives: Communication

5 Tips for Divorcing a High-Conflict Personality

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I came across this article written by Virginia Gilbert, MFT, on Huffington Post and the information is just too valuable not to share. Many therapists and counselors are still trying to get parents to co-parent, instead of acknowledging that when a high-conflict personality is involved, less is more.

 

 
Here are 5 vital tips for dealing with a high-conflict personality: 

1. Minimize Contact
High-conflict personalities thrive off of battle. Their agenda, which is often subconscious, is to maintain your relationship by creating drama: bad-mouthing you to everyone under the sun and especially to your children, cyber-bullying, multiple, intrusive phone calls and any other way they can find to keep you from moving on with your life.

While your gut reaction might be to defend yourself, you cannot reason with a terrorist. Anything you say can and will be used against you. To mitigate the chaos caused by a high-conflict personality, you must keep communication to a minimum. Avoid face-to-face contact. Cultivate a “just the facts, ma’am” style of e-mail and text correspondence. When possible, arrange neutral places such as school for the drop-off and pick-up of children.

2. Keep Your Feelings to Yourself
High-conflict personalities are bullies. They like to “win” by making you angry or beating you down. Donot act on your feelings. If you yell, cry, plead, or otherwise tip your emotional hand, you will invite more attacks. Being stuck in the cross-hairs of a narcissist is traumatic, so by all means seek support through safe means: therapy, and online support groups for people with personality-disordered exes are two examples. But whatever you do, don’t let a narcissist know how you really feel — especially if you have a different point-of-view, which will always be interpreted as a threat.

3. Plan for the Worst
Do not listen to conventional wisdom that your ex will “move on” in time. Well-adjusted people move on; high-conflict personalities never quench their thirst for revenge and their desire to feel like “the good one.” Anticipate being dragged into court for minor indiscretions, or worse, total fabrications.

Do not say or write anything that might make you look bad. Respond to even the most frivolous accusations with factual, non-defensive e-mails detailing what actually happened. Document everything; save hostile e-mails, take screen shots of abusive texts, note every violation of your court orders.

You never know if a narcissist will follow through on threats to sue you, so you must be prepared if they do.

4. Never Admit a Mistake
You can, and should be, accountable for your part in the end of the marriage. But be accountable in a safe environment: therapy, 12-step groups, or in the company of trusted family and friends.

Do not admit wrongdoing to your high-conflict ex, especially in writing. Apologizing will not create a more amicable relationship. A high-conflict ex will interpret your apology as proof that you are the mentally ill, incompetent, stupid person she says you are. Even admissions of minor mistakes can be twisted into admissions of heinous acts and spur a high-conflict ex to take you to court, or simply broadcast to everyone with whom they come in contact that you are a terrible person.

5. Stop Trying to Co-Parent
Well-meaning, but misinformed therapists do targets of high-conflict personalities a huge disservice by advising them that they can, and should, co-parent. Certainly, an amicable co-parenting relationship is ideal for children. But attempts to co-parent with a narcissist or a borderline will keep you engaged in battle. You will forever be on the receiving end of intrusive, controlling, chaotic behaviors which will make you and your kids crazy.

Parallel parenting is the only paradigm that should be recommended to people with personality-disordered exes. This means that you give up the fantasy that you can have consistency between homes, or appear as a united front. The more high-conflict your ex is, the more you will need to separate yourself and your parenting. This may mean hosting separate birthday parties, scheduling separate parent-teacher conferences and not sharing what goes on in your house.

While you may feel that you are sending a terrible message to your children by limiting contact with their other parent, you are actually protecting them by minimizing the potential for conflict.

Targets of high-conflict personalities need to accept that it isn’t wise to be “authentic” with their ex. Strategic, limited disclosures and iron-clad boundaries are essential tools in managing a high-conflict divorce. While it may seem paradoxical, true authenticity comes from holding on to one’s sense of self while gracefully disengaging from a narcissist.

Our Family Wizard – Intrusive, Harassing Communications – Be Gone!

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Does your partner have a contentious relationship with his ex? Does she call, email or text him multiple times a day for seemingly unimportant issues? Perhaps to rehash an old argument or let him know about a movie she saw that reminded her of him? Or maybe she’s addicted to criticizing and/or blaming him for her unhappiness?

Well, I’m here to tell you about a wonderful tool that might just put an end to (or at least lessen) the intrusive, harassing communications.

Our Family Wizard is a third-party website for divorced parents in high-conflict situations. It’s a place where all communications can occur. Everything is time-stamped and recorded for use in court should the need arise. As their website states, No more “he said, she said.”

Forty-four states have actually court ordered its use among co-parents as a way to diffuse the aggressive communications between co-parents in hopes of  keeping the children out of the middle.

When the other parent sends a new message or does anything else on the site, the other parent gets notified. The parents can choose their method and frequency of notifications, preventing your dinner and other family activities from constantly being interrupted.

There is also a shared calendar, expense reports, private journaling tool and family resource center. Everything that co-parents need is right there in one place.

Of course this may not stop every parent from sending harassing messages – but at least now they’re readily accessible, with a nice little “print” function, to present in court if need be. In fact, the courts can actually log in and see everything for themselves. Very cool. 

The website does a much better job than I do at describing in detail all the features it offers. So do your family a favor and check it out!

Note for stepparents: There’s a “third party” feature for stepparents, grandparents, etc… It’s pretty limited as far as the options available, but you can sign in and see the shared calendar and receive messages. Unfortunately, you can’t add events to the calendar.  I’ve already contacted OFW about adding that function for stepparents, seeing as (especially stepmoms) we do most of the scheduling. :)

© 2012 Jenna Korf   All Rights Reserved

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Put Down Your Good Intentions and Step Away From the Ex-Wife

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We often talk about stepmoms overdoing it and needing to step back from all their responsibilities; needing to take a break from taking care of everything and everyone.

But sometimes it’s not the stepchildren they need to back off from.

Sometimes it’s the ex-wife.

Stepmoms usually start out innocently communicating with mom around things like schedules and logistics. If that goes well, she starts thinking “Great, mom is receptive to me. She’s accepting of me.”

She then takes mom’s receptiveness as an invitation to move into position and start taking the reigns around other aspects of co-parenting.

She also starts to think she can heal the relationship between her husband and his ex. Oops…

What starts out with good intentions on the stepmom’s part, often turns into an ugly power struggle or war between mom and stepmom.

Before she knows it, she’s crossed a boundary she couldn’t see and mom is up in arms accusing her of overstepping and trying to take over.  (Cue the barrage of nasty text messages from mom)

The stepmom is often an easy scapegoat. We’re the new kid on the block (even if we’ve been around for years). And it’s so much easier to point the finger at someone else and tell them what they’re doing wrong, than trying to see how their presence could benefit the family and wanting to find solutions.

Stepmoms, when you start getting frustrated about this, remember these four words: YOU CAN’T FIX IT.

It was broken long before you showed up.  And as much as you might love your husband and want to make things better for him, you can only do that in your household. When it comes to his ex, it’s HIS job to handle her.

There are some moms who do communicate better with their child’s stepmom and choose to deal with her rather than her ex. For those of you who can make that work, I commend you!

But for all the others…

Your husband has a choice. He either chooses to lay down some ground rules with her or he chooses to continue letting the dynamic be as it is.

Either way it’s his choice.

So what do you get for  “getting out of the way”? You get to improve your marriage. What your husband wants is to feel supported by you. By letting him deal with his ex and NOT harassing him about his decisions, or hers, you allow the space to simply support him.

And you get to go about your business focusing on all the things that bring you joy, knowing that whatever stress she brings, you’re more protected from it than you would be if you were right in the line of fire.

This will be a challenge for those of you who define yourselves as control freaks. You might feel like bursting at the seam every time something happens, but eventually you learn to enjoy not having the pressure of needing to know every gory detail of the interaction.

And you might need to fake it ’till you make it. Put notes around the house reminding you to bite your tongue.

Your husband is a big boy, let him handle things in his own way (which I guarantee will be different than the way YOU would handle them).

If it’s something that affects you, then have that conversation with him. Otherwise, learn to let go.

You’re making room for more peace in your life and at the same time showing your husband “ I trust you, I believe in you.” And more than anything, that’s what our husbands want to feel from us.

So stepmoms, do your best to remove yourself from fights that aren’t yours.

Your marriage will thank you for it!

© 2012 Jenna Korf    All Rights Reserved

(Photo credit: Nutdanai Apikhomboonwaroot)

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Dealing With Defensiveness

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How many times have you attempted to address an issue with your partner only to have them skirt the issue or turn the problem around on you?

Defensiveness can be a huge relationship breaker. It prevents people from working through important issues because they’re not able to communicate their needs or  make requests.

Defenses are a means to throw you off track; to confuse you so you can’t convey your message, and in turn, the defender doesn’t have to respond.

Though defensiveness takes many forms, the way to effectively respond to it is generally the same: remain focused on your original point.

The following information comes directly from a great book on boundaries called  “Where To Draw the Line: How To Set Healthy Boundaries Every Day” by Anne Katherine, M.A.

Whether you encounter these defenses frequently or you’re the one guilty of using them, awareness is the first step to learning how to diffuse them.

Seven common defenses:

1. Anger. Sure, there are times when anger might be an appropriate response, but if it’s an initial response before the conversation even starts, it’s a defense mechanism. It can be a way of saying “Don’t go there. I’m going to try stopping you before you even start. If you confront me, I’ll be angry at you.”

Response:  Responding to the anger will lead you away from your main point. Ignore it and proceed with the conversation.

2. Missing the point. The goal of this defense is misdirection. If you’re asked to give examples of the issue at hand (which is an appropriate request), but then the person starts arguing the example, you’re now sidetracked into addressing the example, instead of the main issue.

This is what misdirection might look like: Your main issue is that you feel ignored when your stepchildren are visiting. Your spouse asks you for an example. You say “Last weekend, they walked in and didn’t say a word to me. Then you three proceeded to start a game without inviting me to join.” He responds “Well, you didn’t seem like you were interested. And you were mad at me. I wasn’t about to invite you to join us when you’re in that kind of mood.” You say “No I wasn’t. I was waiting to see if the kids were going to talk to me.” And on and on…

You’re stuck defending yourself in the example instead of addressing the fact that you felt ignored.

Response: State that you don’t want to argue the example. The example is only to illustrate your point. Get back to the original issue.

3. Accusing someone of feeling something they’re not. This defense is usually very effective at sidetracking the initiator. For example, if you’re calmly addressing the issue and the person says “you’re furious!”  it’s easy to then become angry even though you weren’t a minute ago.

If you start arguing about whether or not you’re angry, the defender wins.

Response: If you become angry, acknowledge it and return to the main issue. Say, “I’m angry now, I wasn’t a second ago. As I was saying…” and return to the original point.

Or, if you don’t become angry at their accusation, say “I’m not angry, as I was saying…”

4. Offense. The best defense is a good offense. If you find yourself struggling to respond to one attack after the next, you’ve fallen into this trap.  You’re again sidetracked, because you’re busy responding to multiple attacks. You’re just trying to keep your head above water. The other person is making you wrong, and you’re getting further and further from your original point.

5.  Multiple defenses. This might include accusing you of overreacting or acting inappropriately for a given circumstance,  and bringing up old arguments.  This is all an attempt to confuse you and make you wrong.

Another common defense is mirroring you incorrectly. For example, if someone says you’re yelling abusively when you’re actually just raising your voice in frustration.  This can make you feel wrong, and again, throw you off track.

Response to #4 and #5: “You’re responding with one defense after another. Please do your best to listen to me. If you have a problem with ____ , that is a separate issue that I’ll be happy to discuss at another time. Right now, I’m talking about  ____.”

This also might be a good time to ask for a time out. Take a few minutes to calm yourself. A few deep breaths will help you get centered so you can return to the main issue.

6. Parroting. This might look like: “You aren’t listening to me.” “You’re not listening to me!”  This is when someone takes your statement and uses it as their own. It’s another way of trying to throw the initiator off track.

(When I hear this one, it always makes me feel like I’m back in grade school.)

7. The need to have the last word. You know who you are. You just have to have the last word or you feel like you’re going to explode. For example, “Fine, just walk away like you always do.”  This one isn’t as damaging as the others, but it keeps the conflict alive.

Katherine also states, “The first time someone acts as if they are being accused, you can reiterate your own purpose, need or intention. Clarify the boundaries of your concern. For example “I’m saying this, I’m not saying that.”

Explain how you want the other person to receive you. For example, “I’m not accusing you of being bad, I am saying something important to me. You are doing something in our relationship that feels bad to me. I want you to listen to my concern.”"

The more you respond to someone’s defenses, the further you get from your original point.

The key is to stay focused. If you need to, write down your main issue before you address it. Refer to it when you start getting off track or drawn in to the defenses.

Defensiveness can cause suffering for everyone, so do your best to respond appropriately and be aware when you’re the one on the defensive.

© 2012 Jenna Korf    All Rights Reserved

(Photo credit: graur codrin)