Why your husband says “Yes” to his ex

Why your husband says yes to his exThis article first appeared in the October 2013 issue of Stepmom Magazine

Do you hate it when your husband’s difficult ex asks for something and your husband jumps on the yes wagon? Or, even worse, when she wants something seemingly unreasonable – and even though you can tell from a mile away that he’ll regret it – he still complies? You’re probably wondering, why on earth is he still being kind to her? Why is he still doing things for her after the way she treats him? Well, you might be surprised to find that in most cases, men are not being wimpy or sac-less. They’re being driven by their instincts.

 

Here are six possible reasons your husband says yes to his ex when you think he should be saying no:

  1. To protect you. I know it seems counter intuitive and you don’t feel protected, but your husband has been dealing with her for years and really wants to keep the conflict out of your house and away from you. His way of doing that is to pacify her. Giving in to her may seem like no big deal to him because in his mind if he can keep her wrath away from you, it’s well worth it.
  2. He doesn’t think he can win. Alison Armstrong, creator of Celebrating Men, Satisfying Women, suggests that for most men, if they don’t think they have a 90-95% chance of winning something or succeeding, they won’t even try. It’s their instinct to conserve their energy for wins. This means if he has a history of losing court battles or being involved in long, drawn out conflicts with no resolution, he might just be too emotionally exhausted to bother. To him, it’s just easier to say “yes.”
  3. It’s his instinct to provide for her. Yikes! Ouch! What?! Yes, I know, this is a hard one to hear. But it’s the truth. This is one of those instincts that may be misguided because it’s in direct conflict with protecting and providing for you, but nevertheless it may exist. Women often have trouble understanding this, because we don’t have the same instincts as men. We have an especially hard time understanding this if the ex has been high conflict, participating in alienating the kids from their father, engaging in court battles, harassment, and other behavior that, as women, we would never tolerate.
  4. It’s a habit. In some cases, it really is that simple. Seriously, after a man has been providing for a woman for so long, it can be a really hard habit to break. It’s very similar to him and his ex’s dysfunctional habit of fighting, which you’ve probably witnessed. That dynamic can take years to change or undo.
  5. He feels that he’s providing for his kids through her. He may be willing to do something she requested or demanded if he thinks it will benefit the kids. This benefit may be direct, what she’s asking actually is better for the kids, or indirect,  simply by avoiding conflict with her he’s protecting them.
  6. He’s afraid of losing his kids. This is a very real and valid fear that some fathers have. Moms hold a lot of power, and it’s easy for us as stepmoms to want our men to fight for their rights instead of giving in. But he may not feel compelled to do this (refer to #2) or he may not be financially able to fight for his kids, if it should come to that.

So what’s a wife to do? 

  • Stop calling him a wimp and stop giving him a hard time every time he says yes to her. When you complain, all he hears is criticism, which only serves to create or perpetuate conflict between you two. It doesn’t compel him to change his behavior. He sees your complaints as his failure to make you happy, which causes a large amount of shame and discomfort in him, resulting in his shutting down.
  • Recognize that it usually takes a big violation on the ex’s part, something that he considers unforgiveable, to get him to start saying “no” to her. This is something he has to learn and experience on his own, it’s not something you can convince him of or push him into.
  • Brush up on your communication skills and learn how to make requests, not demands. You’ll have a much better chance of him being receptive to your request if he doesn’t feel criticized or bullied. An example of this would be “Honey, I know you had a good reason for agreeing to x, but I feel really anxious about y, so next time do you think we can look into some other potential solutions?”

Remember that he’s mostly functioning from instinct, which is hard as hell to temper. Try to appreciate his intentions and that ultimately he wants you to be happy, which means protecting you from something he’s had to deal with for way too long.

© 2014 Jenna Korf    All Rights Reserved

Stepmoms, who is responsible for your feelings?

So many of us have been under attack for so long (by an ex-wife, stepchild, boss, co-worker, etc… ) that we forget one very important fact: It’s no one else’s job to take care of us – but ours. 

Self-careIt’s not your husband’s ex-wife’s or the kids’. It’s yours. When you’re wondering how someone could behave the way they do or how they could treat you so poorly, it’s because they’re trying to take care of THEMSELVES the best way they know how – and that is often in conflict with taking care of YOU. It might be an irrational, dysfunctional or unhealthy way – but their end goal is still to make themselves feel better – not make YOU feel better. 

When you’re wondering why they haven’t apologized or how they can be so hurtful, remind yourself that it’s not their job to behave in a way that ensures your comfort. It’s not their job to be kind, respectful or healthy. If it was, the world would be a perfect place. Not going to happen.

Soooo…. Stop trying to understand other’s motivations and expecting them to treat you kindly. Instead, remember it’s YOUR job to take care of you. That probably means boundaries to protect yourself. Protect yourself at all costs, because they don’t and won’t have your comfort, security or safety in mind. They have their own.

© 2014 Jenna Korf    All Rights Reserved

Stepmoms, what do you provide for your family?

Peace for stepfamiliesMarrying into a family with so many challenges had taken its toll on me. The stress had suppressed most of my best qualities. And then recently I decided I had had enough of that. After all, no amount of trying to control or resisting the challenges did any good. If anything, it just made me more unhappy. So I decided I wanted to get back to who I was – before all of this.

Immediately, a picture of myself popped into my head: Me laughing. As long as I can remember, that’s who I was, someone who was often laughing or at least had a huge smile on her face.

And I thought, yes, those are my gifts: My natural sense of happiness; The ease in which I smile. The way I can find humor in just about anything, especially myself.  What a gift I could give my family – to be that person again.

Do my stepkids get to experience that? Probably more than the average person, but not to the extent of who I really am.

The day after I decided to be me again, we were with my husband’s entire family for the holidays and I found myself laughing, having a great time. I laughed more that night than I had in a long while. Afterwards, my husband commented on how much fun I am to have around and how he loves what I bring to his family. My mother-in-law commented on how much she loves my laugh.  How it sounds like I’m always having so much fun. Even my 13 year old niece said that that’s why she was laughing so hard, because my laugh was contagious.

Sure, that night I saw things around me that would normally bring me down, but I didn’t let them. As soon as I caught myself judging, I stopped those thoughts. I just told myself it was none of my business what others were doing or saying or how they were behaving. And I released that burden of wanting things to be different. How do you know you’re judging? If you’re thinking or using the word “should,” then you’re judging.

The truth is that no amount of judgement will make anyone behave differently. No amount of judgement will bring my family peace or increase the connection between us. But my smile? My laugh? Being more easy going? Yes. Those qualities add love to my family. And in the end, that’s really all that matters.

What are the qualities you love about yourself that you’ve been missing lately? What are your gifts? How would you and your family be different if you were to share those gifts with them?

© 2013 Jenna Korf    All Rights Reserved

Stepmoms, you have the power to choose peace

Stepmoms, Our Thoughts Create RealityToday I received some not-so-nice messages in my inbox. This situation served as a lovely reminder that we have the power to let a situation eat at us all day, or not.

It’s so easy to get dragged down into someone else’s drama with themselves, when it’s directed at us. We want to defend and protect ourselves; have our voice heard. But then who wins? I was thinking about what this person said to me and all the different responses I could have made. I started obsessing about the injustice and how it didn’t matter what I said, it would do no good because their beliefs about me made it impossible for them to see any other perspective.

A half hour later I realized I was setting myself up to carry this with me for the rest of the day, if not longer. By thinking about it over and over, I was teaching my brain to keep thinking about it. So, in the shower (no idea why, but this is usually where I snap out of things), I remembered that the way this person treats me is about them, not me. So what if I just shrugged it off? What if I gave it zero value? It would be like someone telling me they don’t like cereal for breakfast. “Um, okay.” And that fact would leave my brain in about 10 seconds and I wouldn’t think about it again, because it has nothing to do with me – it’s completely about them. The same concept applies when someone confronts you in an aggressive manner and accuses you of things that aren’t true. Sure, they’re trying to make it about you, but it’s not. So why give it any meaning? Why keep it alive with your thoughts?

That’s a lot of power we have, to decide what to hold onto and what to let go of. And although some situations are obviously more difficult than others, it’s still in our hands to choose peace. We just have to make a conscious effort to do so.

© 2013 Jenna Korf    All Rights Reserved

Stepmoms, you need support too

ID-10064102Stepmoms often shoulder the responsibilities of keeping their families grounded and their husbands sane when a crisis hits. Our husbands are usually too busy trying to process and handle the crisis (and still manage the rest of their responsibilities) to support us as much as they’d like to  – their emotional tank is on empty, so we must look elsewhere.

Recently I was telling a good friend of mine about the current major stressors my family is dealing with when she asked, “Do you have support?” Um… no actually. Wow. How did I forget that I also need a shoulder to lean on when things get really tough??  That I too can benefit from an outsider’s objective perspective and validation that I am in fact deserving of a good cry and a break? Better believe on Monday morning I’ll be seeking out a therapist to call my very own for those times when life decides to hit me with too many curve balls at once.

Who supports you? Where are you finding solace?  

© 2013 Jenna Korf    All Rights Reserved

 

It’s not that I don’t enjoy my stepkids, it’s that I’m an introvert!

ID-100173641I’ve recently realized that the reason I often need a break from loud teenage boys isn’t because I’m a horrible stepmom or don’t like my stepkids, but because I’m an introvert!  Until recently, introverts were misunderstood. It was thought that being an introvert meant being shy. Now we know that what really determines whether you’re an introvert or extravert is how you recharge your energy.

Extraverts feel re-energized by interacting with groups of people. Introverts reenergize by being alone and introspective. So it would make perfect sense that I can only comfortably tolerate the noise of teenagers and shoot-em-up video games in small doses. Now, sit me down one-on-one with them for a conversation about life and I’m happy as a clam. But, how many teenage boys do you know that would enjoy that?? Actually, I know one. I’m a pretty lucky stepmom that way.

Does this apply to you? Can you relate? 

© 2013 Jenna Korf    All Rights Reserved

Stepmoms: When Your Husband’s Ex Carries a Torch For Him

n-MISTRESS-large570Having to share your partner with another woman because he had a child with her can be difficult enough — especially when she refuses to acknowledge your existence — but when that woman didn’t seem to get the memo that they’ve divorced, it can send your internal threat meter into the red zone. You might experience obsessive thoughts about everyday occurrences; a simple meeting between co-parents can leave you wondering what she’s got up her sleeve this time. In what ways will she misread your husband’s good will? Just how flirtatious will she be? Read the rest of the article on The Huffington Post. 

© 2014 Jenna Korf    All Rights Reserved