This article was originally published in the November 2014 issue of Stepmom Magazine.
Why do some men have such a hard time saying “no” to their exes? What advice do you have for a stepmom who feels like her partner will ask “How high?” whenever his ex or kids say, “Jump?”
If a man is having a hard a time saying no to his ex-wife or kids, it’s possible that he’s just afraid of the blowback. But more often than not, it’s because men are wired to provide for others. A man’s basic instinct is to provide and protect. Of course, all men are different and there’s a spectrum of just how strong that instinct is, but the bottom line is that it’s not even something most men have to think about. It’s just instinctual for them to say, “Yes.”
It’s Natural to Be Upset
While a man’s natural instinct is to provide for others, a woman’s instinct is to mostly want her partner’s attention on her, not elsewhere. This isn’t just plain insecurity or jealousy, as one might assume. Our reactions stem from our caveman days when we relied on a man for our survival to protect us from real threats, like tigers. If his attention was elsewhere, that meant we were vulnerable to attack. And although we’ve evolved, our instincts really haven’t. So if he’s busy providing for someone else (his ex, his kids, the neighbor, etc.), instinctually we feel like something life-threatening is going on, even though intellectually we know it’s not. Throw in the fact that the person he’s providing for may be someone we have an adversarial relationship with—his ex!— and we also experience a feeling of betrayal.
He Never Says No to His Kids
You may feel like your partner is spoiling his kids when you see him doing so much for them. But if you keep in mind his role of natural provider, you’ll see that it actually takes effort for him not to give them so much of his time and attention. We may believe our partners are robbing their kids of opportunities to learn responsibility and life skills, but they’re also showing their love and doing what comes naturally to them. Similarly, when your partner’s ex-wife calls and unexpectedly asks him to take the kids for a weekend, you may feel he’s being taken advantage of.
We can get very protective of our partners. But the fact is, most dads are more than happy to get as much time as possible with their kids. Unfortunately, our husbands don’t always think about how this may affect us. That plan for some intimate adult time you were looking forward to for the past month? It just got nixed without any warning.
What to Do?
Because men aren’t the only ones with protective instincts, ask yourself if you’re upset because you think his tendency to say yes to others takes away from his time with you or if it’s because you feel like he’s getting walked on and being taken advantage of. If you discover you’re feeling neglected, evaluate how much together time you need per week and communicate that to him.
On the other hand, if you discover you’re really just being protective of him, then it’s time to let that go. It’s up to him to decide whether he feels taken advantage of and whether he wants to do anything about that. Maybe he doesn’t. Maybe it’s more important for him to see his kids than put up a fight.
Change Your Perspective
Instead of looking at the situation and seeing what you’re lacking (his time and attention?) try to see the benefit of him being a natural provider and protector. How many people have you seen him help with his good will? A stranger stranded on the side of the road? A neighbor who needed an extra hand? The little league team who needed another coach? Your husband may have a special talent or skill and when he sees that it’s needed, he can’t help but step up. I call that sexy.
The benefits of his instincts could range from improving someone’s day to helping others actually become better people. I’ve seen my husband teach kids (who weren’t even his) how to use a bow and arrow, skate a skateboard ramp, use a boomerang successfully and greatly improve their lacrosse skills. I’ve also seen him help out random strangers in need. Even if you end up feeling a bit neglected, the truth is we need more men like this in the world.
Take an Inventory of Your Quality Time
Think about your average week and write down how much quality time you and your partner actually spend together. This is going to be important when you address the situation with your partner because a lot of men feel connected to others just by being in the same room. They don’t have to actually be doing something together or even talking. But women usually need to be interacting with their partners to feel the time is quality. Now think about how much more time you need with your partner to feel safe and connected. This is what you’re going to ask your partner to give you.
The good thing about your partner being a natural provider is that, well, he wants to provide for you, too! So, if you can let him know in a loving way that you’d like some extra time together, he’s likely to oblige. Let him know exactly what that extra time would do for you.
- “Honey, I’ve been missing you lately. A date night would really help me feel closer to you.”
- “I know that you love spending time with the kids and I think it’s great when you get extra time with them, but sometimes it really throws me off if I had expected for us to have some alone time. Before saying yes next time, can you try to remember to run it by me first, just in case I had something planned for us? Knowing a change of plans in advance helps keep me balanced.”
It’s important you support his extra time with his kids so he knows that you’re on his team. That’s not to say your needs should be completely neglected. But you can ask for additional time outside of his time with the kids. Maybe he can sacrifice an outing with his friends or some other event in order to make up for the missed time with you.
The key is to find the balance between supporting your partner and his role as wonderful, masculine provider and protector of all things and making sure you’re getting enough time together so you feel safe and connected to him.
Remember, if you support him, he’ll want to support you.
© 2014 Jenna Korf All Rights Reserved
You might also enjoy:
- Why your husband says Yes! to his ex
- Take the 30-day relationship challenge
- 5 ways to make your marriage the priority