Acknowledging Loss and Embracing Your Life As a Stepmom

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Embracing stepmom roleAlthough being a stepmom can be awesome, you’ve probably experienced some losses along the way. And although the losses are a result of your choice to be with the man you love, that doesn’t make them any less valid or painful.

Most losses need to be mourned in order to properly move on from them, so they don’t keep creeping up causing you emotional distress and inner conflict.

People often associate the act of mourning with extreme tragedy, like the loss of a loved one. But there are many other situations where grief is appropriate and mourning is necessary.

Let’s be honest, no eight year old plays dress up pretending to be a stepmom. Our life is not what we expected it to be. And often there is something getting in our way of completely embracing this life we’ve chosen.

Some losses that stepmoms may initially experience are:

  • Inability to have your own children if your husband has had a vasectomy or if finances for his children make it impossible
  • Experience of “firsts” with your husband – marriage, children, buying a house, etc…
  •  The phase of falling in love and the growing of a relationship without interference from anyone (ex-wife and kids)
  • Control over every aspect of your life

Losses along the way may include:

  • Having a healthy relationship with your stepchild’s mom
  • Having a mutual, loving relationship with your stepchildren
  • The planned future or your children’s future due to financial obligations of your husband to his children and/or ex-wife
  • A child-free future
  • Being stuck geographically

It’s difficult to move forward into the present if you’re still holding onto the past. You’re always going to be resisting what IS at the same time you’re trying to move forward; like trying to walk into the ocean against 12-foot waves.

Mourning your loss, whatever it may be, gives you a chance to look honestly at your thoughts and feelings about the situation. You must move into the pain (as uncomfortable as it is) in order to move through it and come out the other side.

Once you shine a light on something, it’s not nearly as scary as what’s lurking in the dark. 

My Mourning…

For me, the loss I needed to mourn was the future I had always pictured for myself, which didn’t include kids.

I never wanted my own children. It was just something that never appealed to me. I loved my “me” time. I always envisioned my future traveling with my husband, wherever and whenever we wanted. My life, my dreams, goals and plans never involved kids.

But once I met my husband all that went out the window. I was trying to embrace this new lifestyle I had chosen and couldn’t figure out why I was having so much trouble adjusting.

With my husband’s encouragement, I attended a personal retreat to recharge. After a few days of being alone and contemplating my situation, it hit me.

I was still holding onto my dream of a childless future even though there was no possibility of it. I was subconsciously resisting what my life had become.

All those plans and dreams needed to be put to rest and replaced with new ones, but that couldn’t happen until I acknowledged that I was still holding on to them.  In that moment of realization, the flood gates opened, and all this pent up emotion came spilling out.

But I didn’t just have to acknowledge my grief in order to let it go, I needed to mourn the loss. I had to face what giving up that future meant to me. A lifelong collection of plans and dreams gone. I had to face, head on, all the painful emotions that I was feeling as a result of the choice I made to be with my husband.

After I experienced the grieving process, it felt like a huge weight was lifted off my chest, that I didn’t even know was there. I was healing. And with it came a new excitement.

I was finally able to look at my new future and be excited about the possibilities it brought. 

That was the turning point for me in my stepfamily. That’s when I started to relax around the kids and actually enjoy them. And they in turn did the same.

How to Mourn

Mourning takes different shapes. It is a very personal and individual process and there’s no set timetable for it. Some ways to mourn include: journaling about your losses and the emotions you’re experiencing, joining a support group, turning to your spirituality or religion, etc…

After you’ve gotten really clear on what you’re mourning and have felt all the feelings that come up, it’s time to start looking ahead. It’s time to start looking at the potential in your future; who you might become, the strengths you might gain, what you might learn, and most importantly, the whole reason you’re here in the first place – your hopes and vision for your relationship with your partner.

Even though the process is painful, it’s also cathartic. The outcome is a healed part of yourself and the ability to fully embrace what IS instead of being stuck in the “what is NOT.”

Also, don’t let anyone tell you what is okay to feel grief about and what is not. Your pain and what you perceive as a loss is not up for discussion or judgement. Whatever you feel is valid.

What have your experiences been in regards to loss? Are you holding on to something that’s preventing you from embracing your life?

© 2012 Jenna Korf    All Rights Reserved

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33 thoughts on “Acknowledging Loss and Embracing Your Life As a Stepmom

  1. When I read this…the tears started falling..I’ve been having so much trouble adjusting to my boyfriend’s children and I don’t know why. For example, yesterday (when I had the day off of work) he took his daughter and his son who was visiting for the day to the park so his daughter could have visitation with her mom, leaving me at home by myself. I just couldn’t stop crying, and he doesn’t understand why I’m upset, and honestly, neither do I. This article just opened my eyes. Thank you so much..

  2. You’re welcome, Ruby. I think often stepmoms don’t realize that they’re allowed to acknowledge what they’re sacrificing in order to be with their partner. Sure, they’re gaining a lot too, but that doesn’t negate what they’ve lost. It’s hard to embrace a life if we haven’t fully acknowledged our losses and honor our feelings about them.

  3. This article really resonated with me.

    Sometimes, I think Stepmums are denied the chance to grieve for these things because people think, ‘Well you made this choice, deal with it.’

    To be honest it hadn’t occurred to me that I had missed out out on ‘the phase of falling in love and the growing of a relationship without interference from anyone’ (in my case, the ex). I think the experiences we’ve had have made us stronger as a couple but the interference has also made me resentful and upset at times, which has a negative impact on my partner. It would have been nice to fall in love without this hassle!

    I would love to have a healthy relationship my my stepchildren’s Mum but sadly my wishes aren’t reciprocated.

    Thanks for this, I will sit down and address these losses, I think it would help me 🙂

  4. This article was very eye opening for me! Some things that I have had to give up are not being remarried (at least anytime soon) because of the hurtful actions imposed on him by the ex-wife. And the other big one is not being able to have more children because he is “fixed” due to a suprise pregnancy when he was married. We also can’t afford a nice new home or apartment, even though I have a really amazing job and my career is going well-due to his financial obligations. I’ve even mourned my relationships with his children because they are now spending all their time and giving up their visits with us to be at their moms. (Ouch!)

    And it has been hard to move foward at times, there has definetly been resistance from within myself. This article really articulated it for me. It really hit the nail on the head. It put it into words. I’ve done some tear shedding over losing the realtionships with his children. And I hurt my son as well , because he just worships his sons. But I’ve never fully acknowledged the loss from losing the other things I’ve had to give up. I know that I look foward to the part where I can replace those dreams with new ones! So thank you to everyone who shared and for the article Jenna!

  5. You’re welcome, Beth and Erica. 🙂 I hope you find some peace once you intentionally acknowledge your losses. And as Erica said, you can get on with business of replacing the old dreams with new ones. 🙂

  6. This article has given me a way to explain what I am currently going through. I have been identifying the sacrifices and allowing my self to actually feel the pain, not just hide or “smile” it away. I called it ” no longer drinking the kool-aid”

    I have much morning to do: my fiancé isn’t fixed, but is wary snout how having children will affect his daughter. So we go back and forth on the subject…
    I changed my whole life for our family that isn’t even a family. I moved to a town where I don’t know anyone but him and his family. None of which are any support to me. I gave up comfort and love to be the uncomfortable, perpetual outsider who cries all the time and whose everything depends on other people, people who have no clue how to help me or what I feel.
    My dreams for my future and simple day to day things I can no longer afford for myself because of his financial obligations.
    My desire to be first in eyes of the man I love. I am always 2nd or 3rd. Sometimes not at all. And all the other firsts that I will miss out on because he’s already experienced with another woman.

    So much to mourn…

    I am glad I have found this site. It’s made me hopeful, even if only slightly. I am big on the small victories now, because they are so few.

    • Yes Nicole, I can definetly relate! (I’m just glad the kids will grow up! ) Now that’s something to celebrate! And I know we are going to learn so much about ourselves from this situation. I know if we were not in it, we’d for sure be in another one, with equal challenges! So here’s to letting the situation make us stronger! And in some ways, it has forced me (for lack of a better word) to go out with my girlfriends from work-even if they are not die hard best friends-and that is something new that I wouldn’t have considered before this situation. I have a feeling it is going to be refreshing! And I just love what you said about celebrating the small victories! Erica

    • Man the tears are really rolling! I know this is an old post, so I am hopeful that things have improved for you…but that is similar to what I am mourning….being the first to have kids with him (hell the only one), living where I would like to live instead of near the kids school, having extra resources. I feel so selfish but it’s just what hurts me. God bless and I hope all is well with you <3

  7. Nichole, it’s so hard to feel like #1, especially when the kids are young. But try to remember that everything changes. The kids DO grow up, we change, they change, the situation changes. And as you mourn your losses, be sure to practice gratitude for the good things in your life. xo

  8. I have been desperate for an article like this. I am so glad you are shedding light on step mothers’ struggles. I became a step mother about one year ago, and what a nauseating ride it’s been. I can’t tell you how many times I have searched for women who understand what I go through. I white-knuckle the friendships I have with step moms (although rare). I feel that they could slip through my fingers and I’m left without anyone who truly understands my struggle. My husband is great; very supportive. However, that does not change that I once had dreams of being a DINK (dual income, no kids) with my “future” husband. Little did I know, I bit off more than I could chew. My husband’s 2 young girls basically only know life this way. Very few memories come up of times past when their mom and dad were together.
    Until I read this article, I could not figure out why I was so dissatisfied. I have to re-structure my future goals. I never intended to have children, let alone be a step-parent. My life is different now, and that requires adjusting to what life IS and what it is NOT.
    Thank you for the raw encouragemt. I hope future step moms continue to support each other; sometimes that’s all we have.

    • I know this article is old, just stumbled on it. I need to make a decision (like months ago) to continue forward or break it now. I’m wondering how you’re adapting? I also had goals on never having kids in my life and a dual income filled with traveling. I just bought a house – key word is “I” because fiancee can’t be on the deed due to still being on his ex mortgage so kids have a good home. Fiancee, me, and kids are supposed to be moving into my new house. We are renting now and he has kids 50/50…3-4 days a week. Does this get better? The ex is kind and supportive, kids love me..i know I’m lucky. But it doesn’t help me feel happy about living the next decade w kids in my home. I find it impossible to be happy inside when they are here. I’m a great actress, but i know eventually ill break or kids will get wiser and sense it.

  9. Thank you for this article. We recently ended a 3yr court battle with BM and retain physical custody of the kids with visitation with their mother 2x a month. I am happy for my husband but a part of me is mourning what “could have been”. Not being able to move, feeling so tied down, wanting a baby but feeling like we have too much on our r plate already. Thank you for letting us stepmoms know it is OK, even healthy , to mourn those losses.

    • You’re welcome, Ashley. That’s certainly a lot of loss you experienced. Take your time mourning them. Things will get better… xo

  10. Im so glad I found this post, old but right on time for me. My fiancé isnt fix but he doesnt want to have anymore children because he thinks it will negatively affect his daughter but what about me? Mine you her BM just had a baby. Its been a difficult year to say the least. She lives with us full time and I just can’t. Most times im just angry and resentful. Usually she visit on the weekend but then without eeally dicussing it with me he just made her move in full time and because I was on a break from work he askedme to homsschool her. I did needless to say im still doing it. Some days its ok and other days its enough to make you want to drain a whole bottle of whisky and lock yourself in the closet crying. So here I am a SAHM a step one at that, and she is rude and intolerable. We can’t afford to move and we live in a super tiny apartment because of her. I do everything here she refuse to clean up after herself. And half the time im wondering what the hell im I doing. His ex wife makes my life hellish and then refuse to take her on the weekend because shes tired! God I could write a book. I nevwr imagine id be a woman with no kids, living in a house I hate. With a child I honestly havenot yet learn to love and a woman im compared to on the regular. We never go out anymore because we just cant afford it, I feel like im just shedding me for them and im so tired. The feeling of taking it on the chin and making the best of it is all I’ve been doing because honesty who cares about us, no ine gets it. His family just thinks you are not important.so im glad im learning its ok to be angry and greive and morn. And take it a step at a time

  11. As I read through the article crying, then the comments crying all I feel is heart ache for each & everyone of us. People don’t know the pain, the sacrifices.

    Its funny to read over situations and sacrifices other have made & think “gawd I wasn’t the only stupid one”… So many I can relate too; moving to his town, to be near his kids schools, into his home he shared with her, surrounded by his/her friends, not being a priority, no financial means to support our relationship, not experiencing any of the firsts. I left an amazing girl tribe back home & though we still talk, its a hard juxtaposition to be loved unconditionally by your tribe, but live in conflict.

    We recently started couples counselling & doing our own individual on the side -all of what I wanted 2 years ago. We’ve come to agree that we don’t have the same life goals & everything is black or white. I feel like I’ve sacrificed so much and I own that my own resentment level is rising. Hence the counselling, the only thing is he now needs to work through his own stuff before the relational stuff comes up. I need to take care of me because no one else is and I’m willing to do the hard work… I just don’t know if it’s worth it. I don’t want to look back on my life & wish I would have left today to have the life I wanted.

    • I have to be completely honest, I have felt the same way. I was thinking if I hadn’t married my husband, I could have the “my own little family.” I think this is ok…for me it is part of grieving my loss. I really do hope that you continue to fight for your marriage. It is so easy to get stuck and just focus on the negative. But there are positives, I’m sure….if there weren’t you would never have married your husband in the first place. It’s not always going to be easy, but it really could be worth it. I pray for you that you find joy and peace where you find it utterly impossible. I also pray that you are open to all of this and that you and all of us can thrive in the very spot where God has placed us. You also are probably a lot better of a person than you give yourself credit for, but God sees! 🙂

  12. I think this article is perfect because a lot of the advice I get or read is centered around having compassion for the children of broken families. I think this is absolutely great, but realistically I believe this may have to come first. It is not selfish to think of your losses and I’m grateful for this article. I had visited this site a few months ago and find myself coming back because I really didn’t mourn my losses. Things are much different now. We went from having all three of my husbands kids and their sister who isn’t even my husbands (because we are that nice) to not seeing them for two months. I have so little respect for their mother. She can just change my life completely and I can’t do anything about it, it seems. I feel so bad for my husband because she has completely turned all of his kids against him. The only one that is still respectful is the little sister, who isn’t even his! A little after the kids were no longer in our care we found out that I was pregnant. I was so happy. This means that I’ll be a real mom. This means that this baby will remember my birthday and appreciate all the things I do. I won’t be compared to another woman with this baby. I will see my face in this baby! But just recently I found out that I miscarried. I am so heart broken. But part of me realizes this probably wasn’t the best time. And honestly I’ve been rather stressed about everything. The mother has texted me about ridiculous things, she has tried to put a wedge between us by texting me about his past relationship, the one before me. I never go down to her level of drama, but the stress it caused me…I honestly can’t help but put some of the blame on her. Maybe if I wasn’t so stressed my baby would have been healthy. This is probably illogical but there ya go. I guess my lesson is quite clear. I need to just accept these things are apart of my life. About five more years and we will no longer give this vile woman our money. She will be out of our lives hopefully for the most part. I do feel like maybe someday I could tell her (I feel like I’m learning to really not allowing her to affect my life) that I really feel sorry for her. I hope that she changes because she will be judged for her actions if not. God knows my heart and knows that I did a lot for my stepkids. I made so many sacrifices and He knows that. She on the other hand has done so much harm and then tries to make others look worse to cover up her mistakes and failures. I would tell her she operates out of fear, hate, and hurt. I don’t know. On the other side…I’m taking full advantage of this time and take it as a gift, I get to feel like a normal newlywed!! And it’s wonderful!!! I hope that through our experiences we come out stronger and more loving. No one except a stepmom understands what we go through. This is so true. It is such a difficult job with little appreciation. You know I would also like to tell biological moms of broken families this…Get to know the stepmom. She is going to be there with your kids, she’s gonna be taking care of them often. Make sure you treat her well and befriend her. Make sure your kids know to respect her. BECAUSE (and I know this is horrible to admit) it is a hell of a lot easier to love kids who don’t treat you like shit. And if you want to intentionally make it difficult on your kids, then go for it. Mess it all up. But you should be wise. I am not saying that I treated my stepkids horrible in any way, but it was much harder. I may be a horrible person 🙁 But we will all get through this. We were put here for a reason. Either to work on things, be support for our husbands, love kids consistently whose mothers are not consistent, to be an example…God bless you all and I have such compassion for you.

    • Hi Ligaya, I hope you will just block mom from contacting you. There’s nothing she has to say to you that could benefit you. Her behavior is taking its toll on your health, and that’s not OK. You don’t need to see all the negative things she says to you. Simply block her from your phone so you can focus on yourself and your health – and your marraige. 🙂

  13. Thank you for this article. I certainly am unhappy because I gave up my single/childfree life to be with my husband. He has two children — teenagers, at that! I never wanted kids, and I am having the hardest time adjusting to his children. Lately I’ve been avoiding the kids entirely when they are at our home — going on trips with my friends, meeting my friends after work, going to the gym, going to bed early. Some of these things are good, positive things I need to do. But honestly, I would be much happier if I just lived alone. I’ve been considering divorce, but I do love my husband. Maybe I need to mourn. I just don’t know how to start that process and get to a healthier place in my head and heart.

    • Hi Christy, I too was a woman who never wanted kids. Met my husband when his boys were 12 and 9 and wow! to say I struggled would be an understatement. 😉 BUT, there are definitely things you can do to improve your situation, if you’re interested in staying married. If you’d like to work with me, I’d be happy to walk you through some techniques for mourning and also work with you to get to healthier place in your head and heart. 🙂

  14. I’ve had stepsons for over 30 years. They are adults, married, with beautiful families. I use to feel guilty taking time away from them and their dad. I use to feel guilty that we had 2 beautiful daughters that shared and had to be shared. It was not the life I imagined, but, I fell for my husband really hard and I can still see why I did today. Its been a tough struggle and yes its been worth it but I still struggle with guilt after all these years. I put myself in the boys shoes and see it from their point of view and then I put myself in our daughters shoes and see it from their point of view. Its not how I imagined raising children. Our grandchildren call me Grannie and I appreciate that our sons have told them that I am their Grannie. I know that my oldest stepson loves me and yet I don’t feel the same love from my second stepson. I don’t like calling them stepsons because I’ve always called them my sons but it is confusing to some people. I think after the things that have happened to us as a family, this is the way it was suppose to be even after 30 years.

    • Hi Anna, it’s very common to have a different relationship with each child. Also, everyone expresses love differently, so just because you don’t *feel* the love from your second stepson doesn’t mean it’s not there. 😉 I think it’s great that there’s no “step” in grandparent for you. 🙂 It sounds like things have pretty much worked out for your family!

  15. I loved this article! I’ve just recently found your blog, Jenna, and it has already helped me immensely just to know that my feelings are valid! That I’m not crazy for feeling the way I do. For me, one of the hardest part of my acceptance of my new life as a step-mom is knowing that my husband and I will never be able to move and live anywhere else, despite us talking and dreaming about it constantly. On the tail end of that is realizing that I am “stuck” career-wise in our current city and so my options in my field are extremely limited, which has had a very negative impact on me because I always dreamed of being able to move wherever my dream job was. One thing that I know I do, and I shouldn’t, is expect my husband to feel more appreciative of my “sacrifices” to be with him and his children. Sometimes I truly don’t think he realizes how much I HAVE given up to be with him and while I know I shouldn’t be upset with him for not realizing it sometimes, I know that it would help me cope to know that he DID get it, that he understood. Thank you so much for this blog!

    • You’re very welcome, Sam! I’m glad you’ve found my blog helpful. 🙂 One thing you can think about is the way you’re believing that you have limited or no options in regards to moving and to work. I can tell you one thing is for sure about stepfamily life, you never know what’s going to happen. It is absolutely possible that moving will be in your future or that you find a way to have your dream job without moving. I’d just try to remain to open and not think about things as final or limited. Sometimes things show up for us in ways we didn’t expect. And I bet your husband does appreciate your sacrifices, but maybe he feels like he’s made them too. Or maybe he feels some shame in the sacrifices you’ve made for him and therefore doesn’t like looking at them?

      • I definitely think you are right about the part of him feeling like he’s made sacrifices as well. He’s not originally from the city in which we live, and he says quite frequently, that if he hadn’t had children when he did, he would’ve moved somewhere else a long time ago. He doesn’t really like it where we live either, which is why I’m sure he doesn’t like hearing how badly I wish we could move too. And it’s not just my career that is being limited either. His chosen career is very specialized and quite honestly, he spends at least a third, if not more, of the year out of work. So our living arrangement is a very big stress-inducer for the both of us. I just have to keep reminding myself of this. Thank you Jenna!

  16. This resonates a lot with how I’ve been feeling lately. My partner and I just had a baby and I’ve been clinging to this desire to have the experience of a fresh family without 3 other children of very different ages who all live with us full time. I had a very idyllic childhood with my 3 siblings who were all close in age and I keep wanting to recreate that in my life. It causes me to fantasize about when the older children will move out so our family can be more simple and I know this isn’t healthy. I feel a great sense of loss of not getting to have the experience of having a first child with my partner and getting to indulge in the feeling of it being just me, him & baby. I also feel my vision of family that I grew up with was everyone having fun and doing activities together. It’s very hard to find activities that you can do like this when you have a baby, an 8 year old, a 14 year old and a 15 year old. I’m not really sure of how to let go of a lifetime of dreams of what I wanted my family to look like.

    • Hi ALyssa, congratulations on the birth of your baby! It’s hard to accept that things didn’t turn out how we hoped. But I think moving through it will take you focusing on the areas that are working well and realizing that your family can still be really wonderful, even if the dynamic is different than you had imagined. There is more than one way (all kids doing things together) to achieve the emotions and closeness you want for your family. 🙂

  17. Amazing article! It definitely brought tears to my eyes and really resonated with what I’m feeling. While I’m nowhere near being a stepmom, my boyfriend does have a child of his own — so I’m trying to prepare for my possible future (i.e., mourning what I thought my future would be, etc).

    I do have a question — I have a nagging thought/feeling/something that hopes that my partner recognizes how much I’m sacrificing to be with him. I know this sounds incredibly selfish, and yes ultimately I’m making the choice to be with someone who has a child, but I wonder if that feeling of “does he know how much I gave up” ever go away?

    • Hi Carissa, many women feel as you do, that we just want our partners to acknowledge how much we’ve given up for them. But you know what? It would really hurt them, in a way, because they so desperately want us to be happy. That to hear it in those terms can really knock a man down. I would explore your (good) intentions with wanting him to know how much you sacrifice, and then try to find a statement or question that would bring you two more connection instead of separation. Make sense? 🙂

  18. Hi Jenna.
    I’ve been doing some pretty lengthly research today on how to be a good stepmom. I’d never looked into it before, but I’ve just come across your article and bang. It’s like a smack in the face.
    To cut a long story short – I have been with my FH for 2.5 years, but we’ve known each other 17. Our relationship has been long distant until 3 months ago when I emigrated from the UK to be with him here in Australia. Add 3 kids and a venomous ex-wife into the mix and there you have it – my new life!
    We always knew we’d be together, it was just a case of when. Unfortunately life got the better of us and we plodded along doing what we thought was best. Me, my career and life in the UK, and for him, having more kids in a small town and unhappy (on his part) and very Christian marriage.
    Fast Forward and here we are. 5 months away from being his wife, and the dreaded stepmom.
    Since being in Australia and spending time with his children, living near to his old house that they all shared as a family, meeting mutual friends and all his family, hearing past stories and queue all the mixed emotions.
    Don’t get me wrong, I knew what I was letting myself in for, but I wasn’t expecting to grieve.
    I watched as our relationship grew over the years, all the while having firsts with someone else, and watching him experience firsts that we both should have experienced with each other. Meeting and dating, falling in love, marriage, babies.
    I find myself comparing most things at the moment – do I act like her? Do I like the same things? Do I do things that remind him of her? Is she into the same music? I wonder if my wedding day will be as exciting for him as is first. Will he enjoy it more? Do I make him happier. When we have our first baby – will he be reminded of the days his other 3 kids were born and the way he felt about his ex at the time?
    This man is and always has been the one for me. He is an outstanding, loving father, and an incredibly supportive and devoted partner to me. Our priority is our relationship and being happy. We strongly believe that happy parents equal happy kids.
    I just can’t shake off all the things I will miss out on, be taken for granted for (there will never be anything recognition from the ex, it is not amicable), and generally the stressful times that I have already experienced and know are coming.
    I’m going to print your article and keep it close by, and maybe even go through it with my FM as he is a great listener and advisor, so I can grieve and mourn my old dreams and focus of new, fuller ones!

  19. I appreciate this article so much. As stepmoms, we love our spouses so dearly and are willing to take on anything for them, but we do lose out in many of life’s important firsts. Before reading articles like this or instagram posts, I would feel so guilty and alone in my mourning because none of my friends were in my situation, so I had no one to relate to. I thought I was a bad wife or stepmom for having those feelings. I really appreciate everyone’s honesty so much. I think we are an amazing community of women who have chosen a “non-traditional” family but are still able to live really beautiful and full lives! I will be working on moving thru the pain of my losses and making room for all the blessings.

  20. I can’t help but cry while I read the post and the comments. I’m not yet a stepmother but I’m a lived in girlfriend. I haven’t been able to mourn my losses properly because I don’t know how. I wanted to have a few years of me and my boyfriend going out, travelling, buying a house and a car. Just the two of us as couples. I wanted to have a baby anytime I want or when I feel ready but I don’t know when I’ll be allowed to have one because of finance. I wanted to be stable in our relationship first, to be able to trust his love fully but I have to have some ugly thoughts about him keeping me because I’m convenient, I help him financially, etch. I have to worry about an irresponsible ex girlfriend who left him and their beautiful baby when he was only 6 months old who can’t seem to make her mind if she wants him back. I have told them I will give way if they want to so they fix their family. Early this day, I already gave up and broke up with my boyfriend because I can no longer stand my situation. I will be moving out today.

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