Monthly Archives: March 2012

“Stepmoms, You Knew What You Were Getting Into…”

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“You knew what you were getting into when you married him.”

When stepmoms hear those words, it makes us want to put our fists through something; usually the mouth from which those words came.

The sentiment reflects an ignorant mindset from many of those who have never walked in the shoes of a stepmom.

Want to know what I “knew” when I married my husband?

I knew that my experience as a stepchild was a pretty great one. That my mom and stepmom always got along and that my parents never fought in front of me.

I “knew” that I was marrying an amazing man whose kids were nice to me.

I “knew” that his ex-wife wasn’t happy about me but that she’d eventually get over it.

Just as a new parent can never really know what to expect when their biological baby enters the world, no member of the stepfamily could have actually known what they were in for.

What many outsiders don’t know is that the challenges don’t just appear the moment we start dating our partners. In fact, many of them don’t even show up until we get married.

It seems the marriage itself triggers many of these issues:

  • The ex-wife who behaves like a three year old, full-blown tantrums and all, when she realizes you’re here to stay
  • Kids who previously thought you were cool, now loathe you as they have to share their dad’s time and attention
  • The parent who doesn’t really parent because he’s feeling so much guilt over the divorce, which leaves you in a house full of wild, undisciplined children
  • Court dates and custody battles
  • Parental alienation syndrome
  • Doctor’s offices and school systems who don’t recognize you as anything more than a glorified baby sitter

…just to name a few.

So no, we didn’t “know” this was what we were signing up for when we said “I do.”

I think it’s shocking that people really think if we were faced with all these challenges on our first date – or before we fell in love with our partners – that we would have stayed.

Except for a few masochistic woman, many of us would have jumped ship.

For most of us, we were already madly in love with our partners when the common stepfamily challenges started to rear their ugly heads. And so we stayed.

And we continue to stay because we believe our men are worth it. We believe our marriage is worth it. And to make sure it continues to be worth it, we need to have many more good times than bad.

When someone with children tells Laura Antonucci, a member of my Childless Stepmoms Facebook group, that she knew what she was getting into, she replies with,  ”Did you know everything you were getting into with your first child?” And when they say “no,” she says  ”Well I guess we both knew but didn’t really know.”

I like this response. It’s surely more effective than the commonly used “screw you” response!

And what about you? How have you responded to this blissfully ignorant statement by people who have never been part of a stepfamily?

© 2012 Jenna Korf    All Rights Reserved

(photo credit:graur razvan donut)

Dealing With a Difficult Ex-Wife

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(As previously published in the October 2011 issue of Stepmom Magazine)

Hindsight is 20/20. If there is one thing I wish I could have foreseen when I met my husband, it’s the difficulties I would encounter with his ex-wife. Before she had even met me, it seemed her mind was made up. I was the devil—at least on the days she was willing to acknowledge my existence.

Within many stepmom communities, divorced moms have earned a pretty bad reputation, and it’s easy to see why. There are many reasons why perfectly sane, intelligent, otherwise-normal women act not so normal when their ex-husbands remarry.

Stepmoms can save themselves a lot of stress and angst by understanding a few basic truths and some sound coping strategies.

So, here are five things that will help you cope with a less-than welcoming ex-wife.

1. Don’t expect appreciation from her.

You deserve to be acknowledged, but being deserving isn’t enough. In mom’s mind, she didn’t sign up to co-parent with you, and she and her ex were doing just fine before you came along.

If you stop expecting a “thank you” that might never come, you’ll stop being disappointed. Let that expectation go, and if she happens to come around one day you’ll have reason to celebrate!

Who you should be receiving appreciation from is your husband. If he’s lacking in that department, give him a little reminder that it would be nice to be recognized for all you do.

2. Let go of wishing she did things the way you do.

It’s so easy to judge another’s parenting, especially when we only hear half the story. Realize that she is not you. She doesn’t see life through the same filter as you. She probably has different values than you, and our values guide most of our decisions.

Is she making decisions that put her child in immediate danger? Will her choices assure your stepchild a life of crime? If so, then your husband needs to kick it into high gear, but if not, try to let go of your judgments. They’re a waste of time and the only person they hurt is you.

3. Recognize the need for boundaries.

Does she seem to CC you on every nasty email to your husband? Or perhaps you’re the lucky recipient of her anger. A wonderful boundary to set in regard to email is setting up a rule.

On most email servers, you can set a rule that says, “If from ___ then send to ___.” That way, her email goes directly into a designated folder for later use in court or the trash—whichever you see fit.

Either way, it saves you from being harassed or affected by her negative words. And what you don’t know won’t hurt you.

4. Remember that she’s your husband’s ex, not yours, and it’s his job to deal with her.

I don’t know why we stepmoms feel the need to have our hand in everything, but the smartest and sanest thing you can do is let your husband be the one to communicate with her.

This might seem harsh, and you might feel guilty because he’d rather not talk to her either, but it was his decision to marry her, or at least procreate with her, so she’s his to deal with.

Stepping away from her drama will leave you in a more peaceful state and better able to support your husband.

5. Don’t take it personally.

Unless you were intentionally nasty and cruel to her, please stop beating yourself up, wondering what you did to make her hate you.

And while you’re at it, please stop trying to be overly nice to her while she continues to show you she has no interest in forging a relationship with you. There are probably a million emotions she hasn’t processed or isn’t capable of working through and she just might not be able to accept you.

It’s OK to stop trying to get somewhere with her. On the upside, she doesn’t have to accept you!

Her opinion of you doesn’t dictate your worth.

Let go of trying to please her and focus on what really matters— you, your marriage and your family.

(photo credit:Idea go)

© 2011 Jenna Korf    All Rights Reserved

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Put Down Your Good Intentions and Step Away From the Ex-Wife

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We often talk about stepmoms overdoing it and needing to step back from all their responsibilities; needing to take a break from taking care of everything and everyone.

But sometimes it’s not the stepchildren they need to back off from.

Sometimes it’s the ex-wife.

Stepmoms usually start out innocently communicating with mom around things like schedules and logistics. If that goes well, she starts thinking “Great, mom is receptive to me. She’s accepting of me.”

She then takes mom’s receptiveness as an invitation to move into position and start taking the reigns around other aspects of co-parenting.

She also starts to think she can heal the relationship between her husband and his ex. Oops…

What starts out with good intentions on the stepmom’s part, often turns into an ugly power struggle or war between mom and stepmom.

Before she knows it, she’s crossed a boundary she couldn’t see and mom is up in arms accusing her of overstepping and trying to take over.  (Cue the barrage of nasty text messages from mom)

The stepmom is often an easy scapegoat. We’re the new kid on the block (even if we’ve been around for years). And it’s so much easier to point the finger at someone else and tell them what they’re doing wrong, than trying to see how their presence could benefit the family and wanting to find solutions.

Stepmoms, when you start getting frustrated about this, remember these four words: YOU CAN’T FIX IT.

It was broken long before you showed up.  And as much as you might love your husband and want to make things better for him, you can only do that in your household. When it comes to his ex, it’s HIS job to handle her.

There are some moms who do communicate better with their child’s stepmom and choose to deal with her rather than her ex. For those of you who can make that work, I commend you!

But for all the others…

Your husband has a choice. He either chooses to lay down some ground rules with her or he chooses to continue letting the dynamic be as it is.

Either way it’s his choice.

So what do you get for  “getting out of the way”? You get to improve your marriage. What your husband wants is to feel supported by you. By letting him deal with his ex and NOT harassing him about his decisions, or hers, you allow the space to simply support him.

And you get to go about your business focusing on all the things that bring you joy, knowing that whatever stress she brings, you’re more protected from it than you would be if you were right in the line of fire.

This will be a challenge for those of you who define yourselves as control freaks. You might feel like bursting at the seam every time something happens, but eventually you learn to enjoy not having the pressure of needing to know every gory detail of the interaction.

And you might need to fake it ’till you make it. Put notes around the house reminding you to bite your tongue.

Your husband is a big boy, let him handle things in his own way (which I guarantee will be different than the way YOU would handle them).

If it’s something that affects you, then have that conversation with him. Otherwise, learn to let go.

You’re making room for more peace in your life and at the same time showing your husband “ I trust you, I believe in you.” And more than anything, that’s what our husbands want to feel from us.

So stepmoms, do your best to remove yourself from fights that aren’t yours.

Your marriage will thank you for it!

© 2012 Jenna Korf    All Rights Reserved

(Photo credit: Nutdanai Apikhomboonwaroot)

Related posts:

10 Best Things About Being a Stepmom

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Originally posted on Aug. 10, 2011 on my blog No One’s the Bitch.

There are probably 100 reasons why the most common words out of a stepmom’s mouth are “this is the hardest thing I’ve ever done.”

But why focus on the negative?

Here’s a countdown of the top 10 BEST things about being a stepmom!

10. You get to have kids AND keep your kickin’ body. No stretch marks or saggy boobs here!

9. You get to deflect blame. When you’re out with your stepchildren and they decide to throw a loud, embarrassing fit, you can stare back at the crowd and with a clear conscience say “Oh, they’re not mine!”

8. You get to have “behind-the-scenes” influence. You get to co-parent with your husband behind closed doors, then sit back while he dishes out the discipline. What evil stepmom?

7. You’re growing as a person. Anytime you’re faced with something challenging, you can’t help but learn and grow from it. What have you learned? How have you grown?

6. You get to watch your husband be in awe of his offspring. One of the sweetest things is to see the man you love fill with pride over his children. You get to sit back and listen intently while he shares his thoughts, hopes and plans for their future.

5. You can go from outsider to instant insider. There comes a time when you go from being a stranger to being part of the family. This can show up in a million different ways. It could be with a first hug, or when the kids finally decide to talk to you, or when you walk in the door and your stepson yells “Hurry up! Look what I made in school today!”

It’s an inclusion that wasn’t there the day before, and there’s nothing quite like it.

4. You’re not their parent. Instead, you’re a safe place for them to open up about things they might not want to share with their parents. This could be good or it could be bad, but either way it lets you know you’re special to them.

3. You can heal a family. Sometimes it takes an outsider to break the pattern of the family drama. You can provide your husband and your stepchildren with a new way of being that they otherwise might not have experienced.

This also gives the kids an opportunity to witness what a healthy, adult relationship looks like.  And with that vision, when they grow up, maybe they’ll seek out nurturing relationships, where the dynamic is supportive and reciprocal, instead of what they might have witnessed when their parents were together.

2. You get to walk away. When the kids are throwing attitude, acting ungrateful or just plain mean, you have the option of walking away. When YOU’RE the one with the bad day and can’t bear to be surrounded by kids, you get to take a time out.

Many stepmoms don’t take advantage of this option for fear of appearing “separate” from their stepfamily, or because they feel too much guilt. They end up burnt out because they don’t remove themselves when they desperately need to.

But the fact remains, as a stepmom, you can tell your husband it’s all on him and you’re taking the night off! I suggest every stepmom exercise this option at least once every two weeks.

And the number one best thing about being a stepmom is…

1. You’re loved for just being YOU. You have an opportunity to be loved by the kids, simply for who you are, not because you gave birth to them. Now how freakin’ cool is that?

Did I miss one? Feel free to share!

© 2011 Jenna Korf    All Rights Reserved