Originally posted on Aug. 10, 2011 on my blog No One’s the Bitch.
There are probably 100 reasons why the most common words out of a stepmom’s mouth are “this is the hardest thing I’ve ever done.”
But why focus on the negative?
Here’s a countdown of the top 10 BEST things about being a stepmom!
10. You get to have kids AND keep your kickin’ body. No stretch marks or saggy boobs here!
9. You get to deflect blame. When you’re out with your stepchildren and they decide to throw a loud, embarrassing fit, you can stare back at the crowd and with a clear conscience say “Oh, they’re not mine!”
8. You get to have “behind-the-scenes” influence. You get to co-parent with your husband behind closed doors, then sit back while he dishes out the discipline. What evil stepmom?
7. You’re growing as a person. Anytime you’re faced with something challenging, you can’t help but learn and grow from it. What have you learned? How have you grown?
6. You get to watch your husband be in awe of his offspring. One of the sweetest things is to see the man you love fill with pride over his children. You get to sit back and listen intently while he shares his thoughts, hopes and plans for their future.
5. You can go from outsider to instant insider. There comes a time when you go from being a stranger to being part of the family. This can show up in a million different ways. It could be with a first hug, or when the kids finally decide to talk to you, or when you walk in the door and your stepson yells “Hurry up! Look what I made in school today!”
It’s an inclusion that wasn’t there the day before, and there’s nothing quite like it.
4. You’re not their parent. Instead, you’re a safe place for them to open up about things they might not want to share with their parents. This could be good or it could be bad, but either way it lets you know you’re special to them.
3. You can heal a family. Sometimes it takes an outsider to break the pattern of the family drama. You can provide your husband and your stepchildren with a new way of being that they otherwise might not have experienced.
This also gives the kids an opportunity to witness what a healthy, adult relationship looks like. And with that vision, when they grow up, maybe they’ll seek out nurturing relationships, where the dynamic is supportive and reciprocal, instead of what they might have witnessed when their parents were together.
2. You get to walk away. When the kids are throwing attitude, acting ungrateful or just plain mean, you have the option of walking away. When YOU’RE the one with the bad day and can’t bear to be surrounded by kids, you get to take a time out.
Many stepmoms don’t take advantage of this option for fear of appearing “separate” from their stepfamily, or because they feel too much guilt. They end up burnt out because they don’t remove themselves when they desperately need to.
But the fact remains, as a stepmom, you can tell your husband it’s all on him and you’re taking the night off! I suggest every stepmom exercise this option at least once every two weeks.
And the number one best thing about being a stepmom is…
1. You’re loved for just being YOU. You have an opportunity to be loved by the kids, simply for who you are, not because you gave birth to them. Now how freakin’ cool is that?
Did I miss one? Feel free to share!
© 2011 Jenna Korf All Rights Reserved
I just wanted to say about #2, even if you aren’t a stepmom it’s ok to sometimes hand your kiddos over to Dad and say, “It’s your turn, Dad. I’m taking a break.” In fact, most mom’s need this and are better mom’s for taking much needed me-time. I personally think it makes for better Dad’s as well.
Thanks, Jeni! And I couldn’t agree more
.
I am fortunate to have a very positive experience with my stepkids. They are now in their mid 20′s and early 30′s. I’ve been in their life for 13 years and I can honestly say we have never had cross words or arguments (face to face), however we have had very deep discussions and disagreements all along keeping respect for each other. Trust me, it has not been an easy road. We’ve been through the unexected pregnancies, substance abuse, financial turmoils. And, I dare not be stupid enough to think that we are over the hill. I never had my own kids so I’m sure that has worked to my advantage. I had the stamina and patience to withstand the troubled times because I wasn’t worn out by raising them from birth. My husband and I are a good team. I am thankful that he is open to my observations and appreciates sacrafices that I have made to help him raise his children. I understood coming into this picture that there is nothing more important to a person than their children, however my husband has always put me right up there with them. I love these kids as they are my own, they are close to their maternal mom but somehow they have found room in their hearts for me and I am thankful for them. My life would be boring without them.
Wow, I wish this were my stepparenting experience. I would have put some of these on a “good” list a while ago, but my stepdaughters have seen through every one of them and thrown them right back at me. I am manipulating their dad with my “behind the scenes influence.” I am abandoning them and showing I don’t care if I “walk away”. To deflect blame and say, “they’re not mine” would be a mortal wound to their fragile egos. And of course, having had my own child, my body is already wrecked with scars and sags. Yes, I’m not their parent, but while they don’t want me to have any of the rights of a parent, they expect me to have all the responsibilities of one, and it is a freakin’ minefield. And of course they and their mother say I am doing more to damage their family than I could ever do to heal it.
If they did love me, if they cared at all, I suppose it might be worth it. The only one of these I can lay claim to is that I AM growing as a person.
It is so hard to look past a child’s anger and frustration but if you can you may find that they are relating from a place of fear and anger that resulted from their parent’s divorce. Most of their baggage was packed long before you. Unfortunately they see you as an easy target…their real anger is directed toward their parents.
Take a breath, walk away, if they are being especially difficult go out with a friend or for a quiet time alone. Don’t engage them, if they are being rude call them on it. Not by screaming or yelling but by telling them calmly that it s unacceptable for them to talk to you/carry on in a disrespectful manner and leave the conversation. Make sure hubby is right there to back you up, for step parenting to be worth it your new hubby/their father mst be 100% in your corner or you are screaming in to the wind. In life we teach people how to treat us and your hubby’s kids are no different. Stop the insanity, stop the cycle and don’t back down. When they can speak to you with respect you will be thrilled to continue the discussion. The same goes for dealing with their mother. I onced refused to deal with our bio mom for about 6 months…everyone survived and she started treating me with more respect. It is not your job to mend the family for their mother. Instead create your family in your home with your values and expectations. The children will appreciate it in the end and so will you.
One of the most difficult things about be a stepmom for me is having all of the responsibility (homework, meals, teacher meetings sick days, cranky days, taxi service…) and no rights as a parent. No matter what feel is the right thing to do medically or educationally i do not get fo make that decision for my kids. I agree with K10, it is a mine field and a very difficult road to travel.
I also agree with the article. I am a totally different significant adult in the lives of our children. My place is special…not the same as their Mother but different and just as important in their day to day lives (I have been a step parent or almost 6 years and our oldest is 11). I have made my way into their hearts the same as they have found a home in mine. I love our special relationship and would not trade it for their mother or father’s role. I am a friend, a confidant and an older person that they can trust and who does special things with them. I am involved in the raising too but I do not have to be as strict as their bio-parents.
I often take time out for myself to recharge and I feel absolutely no guilt about it. I do everything a parent does until I need a break and then Daddy is on duty solo.
I worked very hard to be the best Mum I could be and it is reflected in the relationship I have with my hubby’s kids. I was fortunate to come into their lives when they were very young and they took to me immediately. I also have a hubby that gets that I am here to support his parenting and not to take it on as my responsibility.
Many step mums see step parenting as an extra weight they have to carry. And some days it feels like a two tonnes tru k around your nek. I felt the same way for a long time. A lot of soul searching and many mistakes later (with more to come I am sure…the better to learn from my dear…) I see it as freeing because I better understand my role and know that it is my choice to get up everyday and do my very best for the kids and if one day I deide to stay in bed and read the paper…well that is the step mum prerogative.